. floundering .

It's officially the 2nd wk of this H yr, though truthfully, the work started in Jan.
Along with it came the stress of being someone I don't feel I am. I mean...c'mon, if you knew me from yrs ago, you'd never have expected me to last this long doin a degree like this, much less goin this far with all its research n stats and "on the ball"isms and crap like that. omgkillmenow.
I've been havin to meet wi my lecturer more or less every wk since 3rd wk of Jan or so. And since our 1st convo early Jan, I'd been trying to gear up and be disciplined enough to do some semblance of work...if not daily then at least weekly. But it's not been happening. And everytime I near our meetings, and everytime I try to get an article in my head, I ask myself, wtf am I doing? why aren't I using the 10grand to travel. Well ok, granted, that 10grand ain't mine. But seriously, wtf am I doing? What am I trying to prove to myself? I've already proven I can stick it out doing a science degree. Should I really be trying to prove to myself that I can go this far? I could I guess, but I'm finding the older I grow, the less I'm tolerating shit I don't enjoy or particularly care for. Which is mostly awesome for me, not so much the people around me. And then I get this feeling I know how a newly-caught bird feels in its cage.

I stay in this course because I tell myself that I really am interested in this stuff. I really am interested in how the mind works. But we haven't yet hit the sweet spot...the really intriguing stuff and maybe if I stuck around long enough, I could turn my back on this with certainty and close this chapter. But if I'm already deciding to close this chapter then why am I still waiting around? Just for the certainty? Life isn't ever certain so why waste another year? For the experience? I know it's gonna be an enriching year. Hell I get excited everytime I hear my course coordinators talk about the year ahead (twice so far) but then I leave the lecture halls, come home for a nap (cos they both started way too early in the morning) and that's the end of my excitement and motivation. Then of course there's the possibility of finally validating my interest in this subject. But while I'd often said in the past that I was interested in being a counselor, I'm now tired. So very tired, of listening to everyone's problems and trying to help them. Now all I want to do is slap them all across their faces or bang their heads against walls and then tell them to go find some other poor sod who'd listen to their whinings. Or whine to a blog. Like I'm doing right now. Honestly! These girls and their friggin relationship problems (and obvious masochistic tendencies)! Or these people and their insecurities! Stop it already! I have my own set of problems to deal with! If you wanna come whine to me, at least be willing to take my advice or jus SOD OFF! And anyway, I'm not that great at it...hell I couldn't even get a friend's bf to realise he's paranoid without almost losing it at him.
"You're just too insecure and paranoid and you need to get over that."
"I know I'm paranoid but I know the truth too."
"Do you even know what paranoia is?"
"Yes I do but I also know that she's lying to me"
-_- Yes he does indeed know what paranoia is. Oh yes. It means being intuitively attuned to knowing the truth. No dickhead. It's not intuition. It's paranoia.

So I guess this counselling gig is off. What else can I embark on? There's so little time now to learn skills and explore! Hell I'm already at that age where once in a while I see that biological clock's countdown. I sure as hell don't want kids now. But we all know how hard time slams you on the head as it whizzes past you.

Years ago, I looked forward to the future and its limitless potential, endless possibilities with little restrictions and all the time in the world yadayada. It really didnt feel too long ago. But now that I've counted the years. Wtf.

I'm afraid I feel like I'm at the end of that eagerbeaver wide-eyed excitement. Now, once in a while (like now) I just get hit with pangs of anxiety and the image of the death sentence of mediocrity with bursting bubbles of dreams and it's getting harder to ignore with my usual bright-eyed optimism. It's like I've waited too long to light those fireworks and now they'll either be unlightable, or the sparks just won't be so grand anymore.

I've never felt more like giving up on anything than I do this.

Help!

Help me get back into my Vortex!