. Gratitude, excitement, anticipation .

Today, I am grateful for signs that my instincts are reliable, that I'm well taken care of. Despite the bumps and crazy moodswings, my boat is pointed in the right direction and I'm floating down the river, oars free from their holds long ago. Maybe we can meet further down the river, share what we discovered and revel in the view.

There is a nervousness which I am detecting. I suppose it's alright. After all, the signposts indicate clearly that -that- is downstream. So either way, I'm getting there. In the meantime, I just focus on my vibes.

I'm getting there.

. Ignorance or denial? Either way, neither is bliss .

Most times you just can't help the feelings, as sick as you feel of them, coming over and over like waves washing ashore. And the thoughts...often the thoughts, the questions, and then the feelings. And if you have silly sensibilities like mine, you will want to indulge...can't really help but indulge and feel confused. Until you realise you're indulging and then you get sick of it and wonder why you're so silly. Bring out the pity party. I do wish I was more sensible. I do envy the more pragmatic folks who can compartmentalise easier perhaps...well...they do something and just somehow don't feel the intensity, or are able to see these feelings in all their silly glory and pish posh them aside, easy peasy.

But I'm not one of those people. I try my best to be. It's a wonderful life they seemingly lead. I can only imagine of course. (And people so often tell me I am. But really, with the stupidity that goes on in my head, I wonder how much they're lying, and/or how deluded with love for me they are, or perhaps how well I act.) And having silly sensibilities, I pooh-pooh others during their silly moments...moments when I feel the complete unnecessariness of the silliness and am able to pish posh them aside. Then I fall into one of them and get reminded again why I should be less judgemental. And get reminded how stupidly judgemental I can be. Oh dear. Silly cycle.

And then I attempt to stop myself. Sometimes I succeed. Most times I just wonder if I must be blind and deluded like the other blind deluded people I rant about. How can it be that just a few paltry short months can have such an effect to last all those years. But then the worst was the couple of isolated days after, with the "explanations" and "apologies". Always the apologies that I buy so easily and the hope I unwillingly want to give up. I blindly cling onto. Why do I keep beating a dead horse? My pragmatic side can clearly see how dead it is, but that other side...that other side that buys it all... it refuses to believe that the words, the exchanges, the moments and connections weren't true at all; perhaps it's pride that wants to keep the horse alive so that I would not be the fool that kept beating the dead horse. But it is also pride that says fuck it man...it's a dead horse!

How much of a fool am I, really? And if I am a huge, huge fool, does that make you a giant bastard? Or is it really just all my own foolish doing?

Either way, I really do not know how to be the better person. I do not know how to do this with the peace and magnanimity of the grown-up, well-adjusted, loving, sensible person with foresight and fairness. I wish I did, especially with the peace and love and acceptingness shit but I don't. All I can do is regard you with suspicion, blame you in my head and wonder about the extent of my delusion. I actually feel really small about it. And if what you said is true, maybe you might feel it too. But if it's not, balls to me for being such a fool. Because after all that, unfortunately for me, I still have a great...um...love? fondness?...well.....a nice feelingness.... for you. A tenderness if you will, you bloody bastard. She said, "yeah so show you know what's going on, you acknowledge that; but you don't give a flying fuck anymore. you really don't care,".

Great advice I thought. Ah, but I do care.

It's the foolish sensibilities.

What can I do to make this better? To bring myself some peace?

Strange how sometimes the briefest moments (in comparison to life's entirety) can leave such indelible marks. Yet, come to think of it, I have now known (of) you for over a half decade. You bloody bastard.


I don't see myself permanently ending this foolishness anytime soon. But for now, I shall cease to beat the drum. For now, just for now. At least for now.




Edit: The foolishness finally did end, so naturally, all on its own, with so much relief, Sept 2018.

. Citrus Cream Cheese Frosting topped Lemon Tea Jello filled Earl Grey Cupcakes.

(My first picture upload in years yay!)

This is this
Everything was lovely, but I'll need to cut a big hole in the centre of the cake instead and fill with the jello. Also, I'll need to chill the cakes first before I fill. Perhaps even freeze them slightly. And perhaps I'll also need to chill the jello slightly so they're slightly solid.

The frosting was

1 pkg cream cheese
1/5 (or so) unsalted softened butter
Orange and lemon zest
2 cups sugar

Next time, a pinch of salt.

. Naivete is a dangerous thing .

A siren beckoned and her song was sweet.
The stormy sea he paid no heed.
Dashed his ship across her rocks
Proffered his sails to make her a frock.
A willing sacrifice, one of many he made.
A siren cooed across a stormy sea.
In her song he reveled, cocooned in her words
A promise of the sun.
Seductive, golden, silken sweet.
Gilted, urgent. Undeniably.
Undeniable need?
Pushy, manipulative.
Glinting, a warning.
His realisation too late.
A siren beckoned mellifluous and honeyed across a stormy sea.
A siren.
A siren you dumbass.

. ...Some Cake with Peanut Butter in it .

So maybe a Reese's cup inspired cupcake?
A chocolate cake with a peanut butter centre, and a peanut butter cream cheese frosting.
The peanut butter will be home made. Ground peanuts (till creamy) with salt and honey/sugar/maple syrup/palm sugar and maybe vanilla?

Method 1

Enclose a dollop of pb in melted chocolate then freeze? So these are made maybe the day before.
After making chocolate cake batter, put a dollop into each cupcake wrapper and push a piece of home made Reese's piece into e relative centre and cover with another dollop of batter.

Method 2

Dollop cake batter, dollop pb into centre, fill the rest with batter. Bake. Cool. Frosting.


Frosting
Not sure if I can combine this home made peanut butter with cream cheese
1 1/4 cup smooth, creamy pb
1 pkg cream cheese
Vanilla extract
125g softened unsalted butter
4 cups brown or palm sugar (well-blended)
2-3 tbs milk or heavy cream.

or
Two Chicks from the Stick's
6 tbs unsalted butter
1/2 cup creamy smooth pb
4 cups brown or palm sugar (well-blended)
Pinch of salt
6 tbs heavy cream or milk

(Frosting for 4 dozen cupcakes. So maybe we can take it down a notch eh?)

After!

. Recipe Idea - Lemon Tea Jello Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting .

Here's another reason why I absolutely love my cousin (not that I've ever mentioned it here before, but he is one of my favourite persons in the world). Brainstorming recipes with him tonight, about what I'm going to make for him when he gets back (he has a standing order, unlimited use, to request any baked goods and I will make em for him because he is darling).

He wants something with peanut butter and something with jelly but not pbj haha
So I asked him what flavour jello and told him I'm thinking of flavour combinations. And bless the dear! Lemon Tea he throws out! And of course I exclaimed as my brain juices started flowing! Lovely hot tea to mix with lemon jello. This will be poured into an Earl Grey tea cake ridden with holes (nice big ones made fr a straw perhaps or a big fork twisted, not poked to the bottom). A cake or a cupcake....haven't decided. And then he said and a cream cheese frosting! Genius! The flavours will go together perfectly! And I shall add lemon zest to the cake as I have done before....or orange zest to the cream cheese, ala my Earl Grey cupcakes (which is another story I haven't written about. Hmm long story short, I don't take to having many kitchen helpers very well). Probably the cream cheese.
And yes! They shall be cupcakes (cos easier hahaha)! In my ducky wrappers! Or my floral ones (cos *affected accent* Earl Grey cupcakes Sir?).

. Moisture substitutes in cakes, and other ideas about matcha cake and homemade white chocolate .

Instead of milk for cakes.....
So I won't forget...

• Cream cheese
• Butter milk
• Sour cream
• Yoghurt

Yet to be testeds...

• Mascarpone
• Apple puree
• Ricotta (might create grainy texture)
• Heavy cream
• Heavy cream + ricotta

Feel like using our packet of matcha in a cake. Maybe use the cocoa butter and turn that into white chocolate, caramelise that white chocolate, add cream and have that with the matcha cake. Make 2 batches - one with proper white chocolate and the other with browned white chocolate. Or layer them.....oooooh the possibilities.

Recipe ideas for white chocolate

White chocolate requires cocoa butter, a sweetener, milk solids and vanilla. There are so many different combinations that could be made.

I think I remember reading that there shouldn't be any water, but I'm not sure if vanilla extract would cause the cocoa butter to seize. So,

Sweeteners:
- Sugar: muscovado sugar, coconut sugar, palm sugar/gula melaka, maple sugar
- Honey
- Maple syrup

 Milk solids:
- Milk powder,
- Coconut milk powder

Vanilla:
- Vanilla bean paste
- Vanilla seeds

Wonder if I should buy a candy thermometer.

When you bask and appreciate and love life AROUND the things that aren't perfect for you in every moment,
so that you let what IS working be the basis of the reason you offer your
vibration,then what happens is that you are frequently in the vortex where the accommodation of all who are involved.
We're not kidding you about this.
You can have everything you want without depriving anyone else of anything, because you live in a balanced enough Universe that everything that you want is easily accomodateable by those who surround your object of attention.
But unless you get in the vortex where who you really are and what you
really want is, you will not see the path. You will not be there at the
right time. You will not be a vibrational match to the unfolding that
allows the unfolding to give you what you want.
When you let this Vibrational Reality play a bigger role in the vibration
that is you, what happens is, you match up, not just with the Source YOU who you have helped become, but you match up with all the circumstances and events that have already been assembled.
We want to say to you that in this vortex of creation that have already been assembled, all the cooperative components have already been assembled. The cooperative components for the absolute fulfillment of everything you've asked for, as far as you have been able to ask.
The question we want to help you ask and answer is: Are you a compatible component to your own desires?
And if you are ornery, the answer is NO!
If you are worried, the answer is NO!
If you are overwhelmed, the answer is NO!
You've got to be in the vicinity of hope and up - hope, belief, love,
knowing, joy. You've got to be in the vicinity of that to really be in the
vortex where what looks like magic to those outside the vortex is happening.
It's not magic, it's natural!
It's not magic, it's LIFE!
It's what LAW says it must be.
1/9/10 San Diego
ABRAHAM-HICKS

"and i thought i'd add....it is ok to be where you currently are. that it's ok to not be in those super positive emotions and its ok always always ok to be wherever u are as long as u know that u're always rising."

" i just wanted to say
those films/movies/plays/events that need to be directed and created are desiring you. i don't know why but something tells me to tell u not to chase after desires u feel are out of your reach cos the ones that are suited to you are chasing after you. that you need to just BE.
i think our ibs are sending us a msg now. hoho"

. Reminder .

Looking through the history of a conversation between a dear friend and myself and saw this snippet I posted. I think I need this reminder again. It is relevant and it is beautiful. But most importantly, it is another foothold to climbing back up to Remembering and Being ME again.

What you are wanting to do is influence someone into the Vortex but all
you can do is get in there yourself.
You cannot influence someone in the Vortex from outside the Vortex and
when more people come to understand that there will be a lot more miracles going on, you see.
Think about it from your own perspective just for a moment. Imagine that you are the one who is sick and someone is holding you as their object of attention and they so know everything. They know, they know you are sick but they know you are asking for wellness in a stronger way than you ever did before and they are fixated upon your wellness and celebrating the wellness result already. And now they’re
looking at you but they’re knowing, they’re knowing you here. Think how that would feel to you. Think how that would feel.
Now, have someone walk in who sees you and is worried about you. And is playing stupid games with you to try and distract you from your worry. You get a sense of what we are talking about?
In other words, feel how it feels when someone knows your strength or
when someone knows your weakness. You ever have anyone criticize you? How does it feel? How does it feel when someone focuses upon some lack in you and gives it your undivided attention? You feel the diminishment of their gaze, you see. And think about how it
feels when someone looks at you and just knows your value, just knows it, you see. But you got to practice knowing it.
Most people only know what they observe, so well children make them feel one way and sick children make them feel another, and what this child is saying to you, the whole reason for this experience, this powerful teacher coming forth, is to say, you gotta find a way of looking at me that makes you feel good and don’t ask me to be it first. So, if you have access to this child where you could have a conversation, what you would say, hey thanks for waking me up.
I was looking at you like you are instead of like you REALLY are.
Chicago 2009, CD No. 4, Track 6, 2:36 - end

I am truly thankful for this relationship I have with this dear friend of mine.  Two friends that I have with birthdays on the same date. One wonderfully darling, the other a chronic and throbbing bitterness derived from brief (very), intense (somewhat) bouts of sweetness. Yet both have been serving the same purpose of growth and Remembering. It will be nice to one day not need the bitter. It would be really nice. Because I wonder about the vibes I put out on days where my psyche is a little weaker and when I'm caught off-guard. But on better days, it provides fuel to strive for improvement, betterment, even if only for distraction.

I will eventually find my way out of this cloud for good and I will once again reclaim my light and once again be clear enough to be a conduit for Source wisdom to shine through for others and myself, to help illuminate other people's light switches so they can reclaim their light too.
And this whole episode will serve as more fuel for a brighter light.