. A Meandering Thought Process of the Same Old .

I have this idea in my head of the kind of person I believe I truly am deep down when the facade of normalcy is dropped. I long to lead a certain lifestyle and embrace certain concepts which I do not yet embody. When I was younger I used to believe I would be this this and that kind of person and am only not, at the moment, because of the limitations then of society and opportunity. Those were the excuses I gave myself. I felt cool and different and awesome then. Even while I felt like I didn't quite fit in, it didn't matter because my brethren were not around to embrace me yet and it was OK. People around me bought my act and it was all cool and shite. Hell, I bought my act, which gives it authority because my vibration about it was pure. But there comes a time when the incubation of certain ideas are no longer acceptable. Fruition or no dice. Pix or it didn't happen.

Now that I'm older and supposedly grown up, slightly past that age of young and foolish, and closer to should be getting my shit together, I feel so out of touch with that person I was supposed to be. It has been said that the fastest way to be who you want to be is to surround yourself with people who already are. I have been lucky enough to have met people leading the life I'd Love to lead. Doing the things I'd Love to do. But they scare me. I have no idea why. I wonder if it's an issue I've always grappled with of being good enough. A very deep seated issue that I've come to accept will always be a program I'll have running in the background. I wonder how people get from the thinking to the being and doing stage cos I'm just so stuck and blind. It feels like a part of my brain is just gimped.

I also wonder if everything just came together because they were all on the same grid. Well I suppose they did....all on the same disc. It's pretty scary how being in a serious relationship could really mess up all the energy grid work one had been doing before. It's pretty scary how a toxic relationship can mess it all up. I didn't realise how much of myself I had compromised. Actually it occurred to me often enough that I wasn't doing a lot of things I usually would've been doing had I been on my own. I found myself compromising a lot more than I would've (and spending waaay more on food and electricity as well than if I were on my own, and even having to compromise on quality cos I couldn't afford for two! I used to be able to save half my allowance but that guy sucked my savings dry and he never knew and prolly never will). But I told myself things like it was OK, I didn't feel the urge to do these things and also well the sacrifices were worth it. I wonder if I should've been more selfish and more willing to rock the boat. But I wanted to treat him how I wanted to be treated. I also really thought the sacrifices were either worth it or didn't feel like sacrifices at all. Turns out I was wrong. I've been trying for the past two and a half years trying to find my compass. It wasn't that bad until I realised I'd also lost myself half way in..and then I lost my higher self late last year early this year. Boy was that a ride...to suddenly realise how not tough I am. To suddenly realise that I had not dealt with the previous year's trauma as well as I'd believed and to have the repercussions show up in the weirdest most psycho reactions to shit. Reactions and thoughts that felt foreign and strange... scary, abrupt and with my usual comforting better judgment nowhere near.

I have been having short reprieves where it feels like I've returned but it's not the same anymore. I'm surprised it took so little to leave all these cracks on me. I have been trying the past half year to be whole again. But I can't seem to trust my judgment very much at the moment. It surprises me when certain fantastic moments of grid filling in happen, like finding out the company I applied to from a job aims to be exactly like what I've been asking for and other happy coincidences. But it just still feels different. It still feels like happy face sticker on empty fuel gauge. I guess I'll just really have to ride this out cos it'll be over soon. And this new momentum I've been working on can start to take over.

Perhaps it's time to start a blog on things that interest me so I have somewhere and something to more positively focus my energies on. Now I just have to think about what.