. in pursuit of happyness .

Before I was 3 years old, i wanted to be a mummy, like Mummy. All I wanted to be was happy and who wouldn't be happy surrounded by people who loved them, by people whom they loved?

Then till I was 7 or so, I wanted to be a singer, an actress and/or a model. All those glamorous things I saw on TV (included colouring the hair of my drawings yellow...till my mum made me realise that all of us have black hair...gee who'd have thunk it....i was about 5+ then... god i still remember the little blonde hair blue eyed girl with the baby blue dress!).

Then I wanted to be an architect, and/or interior designer, and/or fashion designer, as well as an artist or musician or something like that.

Then I decided (or was told/influenced) that all those things were too fluffy and stupid. So then I wanted to be a psychologist. or do something to do with that. Till I was told it was a long hard road (1 and a half years in...still seems pretty much a breeze. I put in effort that would get me a B- or C grade at home and I'm getting full marks or near full marks)

Then I wanted to work in advertising. Or something to do with the media. Maybe my childhood dreams trying to not let themselves die.

I always knew I'd study overseas. I thought it would be something creative.

yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
yesterday is a promise that you've broken
don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
this is your life and today is all you've got now
yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes

this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose

I don't know. I don't think so. not in that aspect anyway.

Now, more than 2 decades on, all I still want to be is happy. Not just a normal happy day kinda thing. But that feeling you get once in a while when you realise that even though nothing's perfect, but everything's perfect just as it is. And your heart surges and your soul sings. And then you settle in, kinda, basking in the glow of love.

Like now.

All by myself in my extremely messy apartment, dishes piling in the sink even though I just did a major washup.
In this crappy place with crappy people who open my eyes up to a whole new level of dumbness (talk about going overseas to broaden your horizons boy).
With another exam on Fri that I haven't started studying for.
Period cramps that keep fading in and out.
Wondering why I'm not pursuing my heart's desire, wondering what that even is...

Yet for some reason, I'm happy. Not contented. But happy.

Oh! It's started to fade...ah well...at least I had a moment there.
Back to studying for counselling.