. Anne Lamott .

"Oh my God, what if you wake up some day, and you’re 65, or 75, and you never got your memoir or novel written; or you didn’t go swimming in warm pools and oceans all those years because your thighs were jiggly and you had a nice big comfortable tummy; or you were just so strung out on perfectionism and people-pleasing that you forgot to have a big juicy creative life, of imagination and radical silliness and staring off into space like when you were a kid? It’s going to break your heart. Don’t let this happen. Repent just means to change direction — and NOT to be said by someone who is waggling their forefinger at you. Repentance is a blessing. Pick a new direction, one you wouldn’t mind ending up at, and aim for that. Shoot the moon.

Echoing Neil Gaiman, who counseled young artists to “make glorious, amazing mistakes,” Lamott concludes with a recipe for an antidote — the only real antidote — to perfectionism:

Here’s how to break through the perfectionism: make a LOT of mistakes. Fall on your butt more often. Waste more paper, printing out your shitty first drafts, and maybe send a check to the Sierra Club. Celebrate messes — these are where the goods are. Put something on the calendar that you know you’ll be terrible at, like dance lessons, or a meditation retreat, or boot camp. Find a writing partner, who will help you with your work, by reading it for you, and telling you the truth about it, with respect, to help you make it better and better; for whom you will do the same thing. Find someone who wants to steal his or her life back, too. Now; today. One wild and crazy thing: wears shorts out in public if it is hot, even if your legs are milky white or heavy. Go to a poetry slam. Go to open mike,and read the story you wrote about the hilariously god-awful family reunion, with a trusted friend, even though it could be better, and would hurt Uncle Ed’s feelings if he read it, which he isn’t going to.
Change his name and hair color — he won’t even recognize himself.
At work, you begin to fulfill your artistic destiny. Wow! A reviewer may hate your style, or newspapers may neglect you, or 500 people may tell you that you are bitter, delusional and boring.
Let me ask you this: in the big juicy Zorba scheme of things, who fucking cares?"

http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2014/05/16/anne-lamott-people-pleasing-haters-trolls/

. Synchronous Timing 04/07 07/07 .

So, it took me 7 years, give or take, to let you in, on the 4/4/14.  And all the repeated numbers surrounding this. But as with all moments connected to you, I've learnt not to revel too quickly. (It's 3:33am and my battery % is 55 haha). I iust wish I knew how to handle this better.

Hey unwelcome visitor! It's like you never existed yay!

go away

Oh unwelcome visitor... What are you doing, turning up more frequently? You were supposed to have left and never come back once I'd grown up. And then you started turning up for a short while, once a month. Now what are you doing, turning up at unexpected times, in the dead of the night? You are not welcome. Stop overstaying. I am tired of you. I thought I might have finally had you on a leash.
Go away. I'm tired of you.

. Oh Universe and Your Synchronicities...Your Sense of Humour .

Mew's Comforting Sounds
then
Explosions in the Sky.

Of course.

Mew - Comforting Sounds

It's been a few years since I first made associations with this song. Listening to it again throws me back quite unexpectedly to circa late 2007, since, through these years, things have changed but nothing's really changed.

As interpreted so succintly by qbsfinest

"I don't feel alright in spite of these comforting sounds you make.
I don't feel alright because you make promises that you break."
-I'm wary around you because I don't know if you're sincere - you haven't always kept your word before.

"Into your house, why don't we share our solitude?
Nothing is pure anymore but solitude."
-In our solitude we are ourselves, and I just want to be myself with someone else, with you.

"It's hard to make sense, feels as if I'm sensing you through a lens."
-I can't get a good read on you, it feels like you haven't completely opened up to me, like there's a filter between your true self and what you show me.

"If someone else comes, I'd just sit here listening to the drums."
-If our bond is to be interrupted, momentarily or permanently, I'd simply go back to passively listening to the world, making none of my own noise

"Previously I never called it solitude."
-It never used to make me feel so alone, all this acting I do for the rest of the world

"And probably you know all the dirty shows I've put on.
Blunted and exhausted like anyone.
Honestly I tried to avoid it.
Honestly."
-You know all the acting I do in my life. I'm tired of it, just like anyone else. I never wanted to act, but it couldn't be avoided.

"Back when we were kids, we would always know when to stop.
And now all the good kids are messing up.
Nobody has gained or accomplished anything."
-We used to know when to stop acting and be truthful and vulnerable, but everyone has hardened over the years, and this isolation we impose on ourselves from others does not do any good.



You've certainly hardened.

. Some advice can be gleaned from this .

via http://www.thetimes.co.uk/tto/magazine/article3811080.ece

My daughter is about to turn 13 and I’ve been smoking a lot recently, and so – in the wee small hours, when my lungs feel like there’s a small mouse inside them, scratching to get out – I’ve thought about writing her one of those “Now I’m Dead, Here’s My Letter Of Advice For You To Consult As You Continue Your Now Motherless Life” letters. Here’s the first draft. Might tweak it a bit later. When I’ve had another fag.
“Dear Lizzie. Hello, it’s Mummy. I’m dead. Sorry about that. I hope the funeral was good – did Daddy play Don’t Stop Me Now by Queen when my coffin went into the cremator? I hope everyone sang along and did air guitar, as I stipulated. And wore the stick-on Freddie Mercury moustaches, as I ordered in the ‘My Funeral Plan’ document that’s been pinned on the fridge since 2008, when I had that extremely self-pitying cold.
“Look – here are a couple of things I’ve learnt on the way that you might find useful in the coming years. It’s not an exhaustive list, but it’s a good start. Also, I’ve left you loads of life-insurance money – so go hog wild on eBay on those second-hand vintage dresses you like. You have always looked beautiful in them. You have always looked beautiful.
“The main thing is just to try to be nice. You already are – so lovely I burst, darling – and so I want you to hang on to that and never let it go. Keep slowly turning it up, like a dimmer switch, whenever you can. Just resolve to shine, constantly and steadily, like a warm lamp in the corner, and people will want to move towards you in order to feel happy, and to read things more clearly. You will be bright and constant in a world of dark and flux, and this will save you the anxiety of other, ultimately less satisfying things like ‘being cool’, ‘being more successful than everyone else’ and ‘being very thin’.
“Second, always remember that, nine times out of ten, you probably aren’t having a full-on nervous breakdown – you just need a cup of tea and a biscuit. You’d be amazed how easily and repeatedly you can confuse the two. Get a big biscuit tin.
“Three – always pick up worms off the pavement and put them on the grass. They’re having a bad day, and they’re good for… the earth or something (ask Daddy more about this; am a bit sketchy).
“Four: choose your friends because you feel most like yourself around them, because the jokes are easy and you feel like you’re in your best outfit when you’re with them, even though you’re just in a T-shirt. Never love someone whom you think you need to mend – or who makes you feel like you should be mended. There are boys out there who look for shining girls; they will stand next to you and say quiet things in your ear that only you can hear and that will slowly drain the joy out of your heart. The books about vampires are true, baby. Drive a stake through their hearts and run away.
“Stay at peace with your body. While it’s healthy, never think of it as a problem or a failure. Pat your legs occasionally and thank them for being able to run. Put your hands on your belly and enjoy how soft and warm you are – marvel over the world turning over within, the brilliant meat clockwork, as I did when you were inside me and I dreamt of you every night.
“Whenever you can’t think of something to say in a conversation, ask people questions instead. Even if you’re next to a man who collects pre-Seventies screws and bolts, you will probably never have another opportunity to find out so much about pre-Seventies screws and bolts, and you never know when it will be useful.
“This segues into the next tip: life divides into AMAZING ENJOYABLE TIMES and APPALLING EXPERIENCES THAT WILL MAKE FUTURE AMAZING ANECDOTES. However awful, you can get through any experience if you imagine yourself, in the future, telling your friends about it as they scream, with increasing disbelief, ‘NO! NO!’ Even when Jesus was on the cross, I bet He was thinking, ‘When I rise in three days, the disciples aren’t going to believe this when I tell them about it.’
“Babyiest, see as many sunrises and sunsets as you can. Run across roads to smell fat roses. Always believe you can change the world – even if it’s only a tiny bit, because every tiny bit needed someone who changed it. Think of yourself as a silver rocket – use loud music as your fuel; books like maps and co-ordinates for how to get there. Host extravagantly, love constantly, dance in comfortable shoes, talk to Daddy and Nancy about me every day and never, ever start smoking. It’s like buying a fun baby dragon that will grow and eventually burn down your f***ing house.
“Love, Mummy.”

 What it means to love a Libra, but what it means to love me.

What it Means to Love a Libra.

Via Sara Crolick on Oct 6, 2013

“We love the things we love for what they are.” ~ Robert Frost

A Libra longs for partnership, it is her heart’s forever-wish; but to love a Libra, you must love her completely.
A Libra will need space; she’ll need freedom to be who she is in any given moment. She wants to suffer, celebrate, hate and adore who she is. These things are always changing and often conflicting, because she’s constantly discovering new pieces of who she is.
She’ll never tell you something critical straightaway, instead she’ll sit with it until the perfect words ring true in her heart and ever-so-carefully move into her mouth. Even then, she might write you a letter. Because the intensity of her feelings can make the speaking of words such a task.
She loves words. She loves the magic they hold, the way they can free her (and so few things can).
So to love a Libra, understand that the words always matter—they are the brush strokes of her heart. She won’t lie, she’s no good at it. She won’t brag, for she holds words in too high esteem. Your words must never be cheapened through unfulfilled promises or patronization. If your speech is unkind, she’ll remember and the words will never hurt less.
She’s an artist, through and through. But a Libra, to survive in the world, must find her medium. The words, or paints, the delicate, mindful crease of a freshly-made bed—it’s all art to her. Beautiful pieces of anything. She needs objects and sounds and smells and textures to resonate with that place deep inside that says, “Yes. That’s it, now it is exactly right.” To love a Libra, you must know this.
She’ll need her art like you need your breath—without it, she will lose track of who she is.
You must watch the curve of her mouth; her lips will purse (ever-so-slightly) and when they do, you can rest assured that her mind wanders because her heart is not still. You’ll notice her eyes are far away; in that moment, you must let her go there—to the place where the words find their way to the air—but not for too long. She’s always in danger of escaping for too long.
She seeks stillness.
A Libra will love her body. She’ll hate her body too. But you must love it, you must always love it. You must look into her eyes and smile. Move her hair from her face so you can get a better look. You must touch the places that hardly get touched: her neck as she does the dishes, her collar bone as she types at her desk, her hip as you stand in line at the grocery store. You must weave the ordinary with the erotic. Slide your hands firmly over every inch of her skin as if it were the first time you’ve ever touched her. You must touch her. She’ll crave your embrace and wither without it.
She needs romance. And so many kisses.
She needs to be whisked away to see the world and she needs a comfortable home to return to.
She’ll cry. A lot. She’ll cry and you won’t know what’s wrong. She won’t tell you what’s wrong, not at first, because she might not know. There will be times when she simply needs to feel sadness, she needs to feel the struggle of being alive, even when you both don’t understand.
Whatever it is, she feels it more.
The weight of her fears, her curiosities, everything: of being human, of responsibility, of hate and violence and injustice, of beauty and lightness and breath, all of it. It frighteners her, but amazes her too. So she’ll need time and space to explore, to dance and to fall apart, because there is nothing more lovely than a Libra experiencing the world. She sees magic where others do not. She needs to believe in magic. Ferociously.
And when she finally turns 30—when the leaves are changing and she feels most herself—you’ll be mindful of her feelings; because, even if it isn’t a big deal, it is a big deal and the tears that stream for no particular reason come from a place of shame in her heart.
To love a Libra, you must celebrate; you must celebrate her, life, the amazing, the plain, everything and anything.
To love a Libra is to love the very essence of love, warts and all.
There’s a delicate balance—a perpetual tug-of-war—between feeling fierce and complete against feeling  soft and frail. Always trying to reach that impossible balance, she never quite knows who she is.
To compensate for the not-knowing she’ll please everyone around her. She’ll accommodate others and fix situations until you resent her for it; but, to love a Libra is to see that her self-sacrifice, no matter how destructive, is how she loves. Her bleeding heart is how she finds her place in a world that can be unkind; it’s the way she can claim some shred of control—she believes that kindness is what matters most.
A Libra needs you to push her toward self-care. She’ll never choose her needs first, so you’ll have to teach her this craft. You’ll need to teach her that putting her needs before others is not the same as selfishness, because she sees selfishness as ugly.
Ugliness scares her.
Loneliness too.
Her heart will break often. Her heart will feel lonely and sad about many things, but you must never be the one to break it completely.
To capture a Libra’s heart is to capture her heart forever. There are no partners more committed, more attentive than your Libra. You mustn’t ever take her for granted though; for a Libra’s heart will grow uneasy when neglected, her heart will close and you risk never finding your way in again.
Her heart knows the secret to everything. Protect it.
Sometimes she’ll feel lost. She’ll need hot tea and blankets, black-and-white movies, and no conversation. Other times, she’ll need people. Parties and midnight walks and deep, frenzied conversation—she likes literature and science and philosophy best. She likes whiskey too. To love her, you’ll need to know that.
She’ll need constant reminders that she’s a lovely being, that she’s loved—better yet, adored. She needs mindful smothering, she needs adventure. A Libra wants autonomy, but can’t stand the thought of being left alone. You must learn to accept her, even as a contradiction.
She’ll require decisiveness, as she has none of her own. She’ll surprise you with spontaneity and you’ll admire the commitment she shows to her heart’s content. But if she has time to think, any decision will be painful—be it where to eat, what to wear or who to love. This will frustrate you, but you must try understand. For her, there is no such thing as an obvious choice.
Loving a Libra means loving love itself. She loves everything about love: the connection, the discovery, the heartache, the ecstasy, the very idea of love—it’s all the same. She yearns for the safety of partnership, but she thrives on the excitement of love’s uncertainty.
She wants passion.
She can see the good in almost any person, but in a lover she requires intelligence and humor. There is nothing sexier than wit.
She hates discord, because it makes her feel vulnerable; but to love her is not to worry too much, because she believes in forgiveness and trust—enough to repair almost any injury done to her. When you fight with a Libra, she’ll be certain that every fight is the end of everything and this will destroy her a little; you must remind her that every argument is an opportunity for growth—it is the beginning of a new everything. Loving a Libra means knowing there are few things more important than make-up sex.
She loves falling in love, so to love a Libra you’ll have to fall in love time and time again. She’ll require perpetual evolution, and inspiration, and a little dose of sin.
To love a Libra you’ll need to see the good intention that she always has in her heart; to ignore this well-meaning piece of her is to deny her a personal truth. She cannot survive without this particular truth. When she’s awful, or rude, or arguing because she’s right—and she’s usually right, because she’s a Libra and it’s in her nature to be fair and just and indisputably right—you must breathe. Then trust her tears and her words to be true.
She cares too deeply to ever inflict intentional harm.
But if you witness the flash of anger in her eyes, you must let her rage. For gentle, compassionate Libra will storm fiercely in the face of injustice. You must allow her the space to be a warrior when her heart tells her it is time to fight. You must stand beside her, admire her devotion and believe in the cause—see it for what it is, a manifestation of her heart’s deepest purpose.
Believe in her and she’ll believe in you too.
She might be cast as an introvert. She might be tagged an extrovert by those who know her best. Neither matters, as long as she feels connected to what surrounds her.
When a Libra is happy, she can take over the world. She need only be equipped with the proper music, laughter and her smile.
The trick is in keeping her there; for in that moment is an ocean of contentment that only her huge heart can appreciate. If you can keep her in the moment, you can keep her forever. But the Libra mind will drift and worry. It will linger on the wrong that cut her too deeply. She will scrutinize over the words you used, or the words that went unspoken. She’ll wonder about security and what each embrace or touch or quarrel will mean in the long-term; to love a Libra, you must gently guide her back to the now again and again and again.
Libra blossoms in the joyful now.
She believes in the goodness of people, in magic and (above all else) in happily ever after.
To love a Libra, you must believe in her for everything she is.

. Words to remember and live by .

I have been lucky to come across these 3 articles tonight in a short span of time and this post will make it easier for me to find them when I need reminding. The first is about soul purpose. The second inspires small actions to make the world better. The third is about marriage, but most of the points I feel are applicable to all relationships, and all the "your wife"s should be substituted with "your partner". And the last is about living and being alive.

1. 
How do you discover your SOUL PURPOSE?

Your SOUL PURPOSE is that driving mission you want to live, that passion you want to feel, that contribution you want to make and that legacy you want to leave.

There's sometimes an illusion that we buy into that says we don't know our purpose, or we're not ready for it, or worst of all, we don't have one... we wait and hope for some magical sign or heavenly messenger to finally tell us what it is and that we are ready to live it.

I assure you, You DO have a purpose and it's clues have been around you all the time, and in discovering and living in alignment of that purpose you will feel a joy and energy for life that you cannot experience in any other way.

It's almost as if it's hidden in the fog, right in front of us, waiting for us all the time to FIND and to CLAIM it, to live it fully and unapologetically.

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” - Howard Thurman

When you answer these questions, the fog begins to clear and we see clearly what our heart and soul is begging us to pursue.

1) WHAT ARE YOU PASSIONATE ABOUT?
What makes my heart SING? What do I love to do when I have nothing to do? What fills me up and brings me JOY? What do I do where I lose track of time? What dreams do I have? What would I be willing to FIGHT for?

2) WHAT TALENTS or GIFTS DO YOU HAVE?
What comes easily to me that may be hard for others? What talents have I worked to develop? What seems to flow naturally from me?

3) WHO DO YOU FEEL DRAWN TO SERVE?
Who do I feel a desire to help? What causes or charities do I feel compelled to support? What suffering do I want to relieve? What type of advice do people come to me for?

4) WHAT PROBLEMS HAVE YOU OVERCOME?
Often our 'mess' becomes our 'message'. What are the greatest trials I have faced in my life? What have I learned in going through that? How can I help others who are going through similar challenges?

5) WHAT WOULD STRETCH, INSPIRE, and MOTIVATE YOU to be the very best ?
What books do I love to read? What do I love to study? What challenges do I enjoy? What are goals that scare and excite me?

In the end, as I have thought about it... I believe WE ALL have the same 3 CORE FOUNDATIONS to OUR SOUL PURPOSE.

We are here to HAVE JOY.

We are here to CONTRIBUTE to others.

We are here to GROW.

Anything that fulfills those for you is your SOUL PURPOSE.

The beautiful thing is that you can live your purpose today, and your purpose will EVOLVE as you do. It will continue to change. It will be different in 5 years than it is now, so just start with where you are at today.

In the pursuit of this purpose lies the deepest fulfillment and meaning of life.

For me, I have discovered My SOUL PURPOSE is to MENTOR others to AWAKEN to their divine authentic power, to DISCOVER their Soul Purpose, to STAND as CONSCIOUS CREATORS, and to MAKE MONEY while doing what they LOVE.

I live my purpose through the seminars, speeches, and mentoring programs I create. I live that purpose through the messages I share. I live that purpose through the choices I make everyday. That purpose is as much a part of me as the blood that courses through my veins.

My invitation for you is to simply look around you today, and keep asking these questions. GOD has given you your purpose for a reason... NOW is the time to live it more fully.

You have one life to live, LIVE BIG!

Gerald Rogers

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we live in a world where many are lost, and seeking for direction. Please share. you never know whose life will be blessed when you do.
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2. via https://medium.com/change-i-want-to-see/73e35a32c7de

Being The Change You Want to See

What it means to live the way you want the world to be

In the middle of a conversation, my friend remarked, “I am really impressed with what Adrianna is doing with the food thing.” His remark threw me off the moment he said it, because he doesn’t know Adrianna personally, except by virtue of my excessive Facebook shares. Also, I thought nobody paid attention to that ‘food thing’ I shared on Facebook, a couple of days ago.

That ‘food thing’, is one of the many initiatives spearheaded by a dear friend of mine, Adrianna Tan. Somehow between all her caffeine-induced adrenalin and alcohol-induced stupor, she hatches schemes like “Culture Kitchen”, which aims to bring immigrant communities closer to the local culture through food and art.

When Adrianna comes up with ideas like that, I only take her half seriously, because she tries to do a thousand things at one time in between her career and frequent travels. Then, one day a photo like this creeps up on my Facebook feed:

The success of the first Culture Kitchen, with a mixed array of cultures bonding over food. Photo by Kevin Lee.

And there I am, falling in intellectual love with Adrianna all over again. I am incredibly proud of her as a fellow Singaporean, as a friend, as a partner-in-crime with all the other initiatives we try to spearhead.

She explains why with her own writing:

I can, however, build communities and movements. This is one of the things I know I can do well, and I want to lend my technological and organisational skills to building a movement which will stand up for a Singapore which includes. The Singapore we want to see. While I will continue to call out the xenophobes every time they emerge from the hills, I will also spend twice as much time on helping to create a counter movement which is positive in nature. I don’t have an ROI, I don’t have an end goal, I just want to bring people together. – Why I’m Hosting Culture Kitchen

---

When I first made connections.sg, I was asked for my ‘real agenda’ or ‘how are you going to monetize’. People find it hard to believe when I say I don’t have an agenda, except I think and believe a simple step forward can make things better.

I am growing incredibly serious and passionate about wanting to realize my ideals and beliefs and yet plenty of times I question my own motivations myself. Why am I doing this? Why is it important that I go around trying to explain my thoughts to anybody who would listen to me?

I look at what Adrianna is doing, eight thousand miles across the world and I am reminded why.

It does not matter what people think or if they would understand. If they question or if they are skeptical. In this game called life, we can only do our very own individual best and hope that we have the blessing to find other partners-in-crime for the things we care about. Even if we don’t, we have to forge this lonely path ourselves anyway.

If we think humanity can be better, then let’s try to be better humans. If I want people to write more, then I will attempt to write more myself. If I think small efforts are paramount to a ripple of positive effects, then let me reflect that in my own little actions. If I wish for people to make better choices in the grand scheme of trying to forward humanity, I need to be exceptionally conscious of those choices myself.

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Human beings are fundamentally social creatures. Modern society has proven that we could make other people emulate materialistic behavior by priding material success.

My sincere question is, could we make people emulate compassionate and empathetic behavior by showing how much good and joy we can all personally derive from it?

It makes people around you think if you demonstrate an unexpected behavior. It makes me sad to even type this that showing kindness, grace and generosity is considered to be unexpected. You no longer question when your friend buys a beautiful expensive car, but you question someone’s agenda when they try to do good.

Why?

---

I exchanged a few texts with Adrianna right after the event, she tells me she’s exhausted but she ‘loves people and the world’.

I felt her joy eight thousand miles across the world, I felt my own joy because I understood how much it meant to her and I am made to feel sane for wanting to love people and the world. For all the potentially crazy things I may attempt to do later on in my own life, in order to show how much I can love people and the world.

In this era of cynicism and skepticism, I am most grateful for the Adrianna Tans in this world. The ones who will make things happen despite all the questions and impossibilities.

She knows she needs to do these things because she wouldn’t be able to live with herself otherwise. In other words, she is doing it because she ‘loves people and the world’, but fundamentally she needs to do it for herself.

It is very much the same for me. Perhaps on my deathbed my attempts to better this world the way I envision it can be, would be ultimately futile. Would it matter though?

For I would be able to take my last breath in peace, knowing that I have exhausted and gave my entire self to this world, rather than wondering if I could have done more, if miracles would happen if I had tried doing them.

And this is what it means to be the change you want to see.

You simply be.

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3.
Marriage Advice via Gerald Rogers

1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14) GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don't know i she will like what she finds... Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.

But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

The woman that told him 'I do', and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.

Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

My 30 Things at 30. ~ Nadia Mah

Via elephant journal on Mar 28, 2013

Source: relevantmagazine.com via Kaylan on Pinterest

I woke up on my 30th birthday feeling odd, but very happy.

I realized that for the first time in years, I was embracing my birthday rather than (un)welcoming it with anxiety.
More than previous birthdays, I was aware of how lucky I was to age with the people, love and stories I had in my life. Gratitude replaced angst. Confidence replaced fear. It was definitely the best way to celebrate a milestone birthday.

“My 30 Things at 30″ is a reflection of some of the core philosophies I live by—all of which bring me joy and light.

1. When you feel like no one understands, find solace in music. It seems there is always at least one song that can fill a part of the void in your heart.
2. Whenever possible, leave your city and explore somewhere new. It makes home that much better to come back to. Or maybe you learn that you’ve outgrown your home, which is good too.
3. Those mornings when you wake up wondering “Why am I still here, doing the same thing?” will eventually propel you to make a change. The less you resist that push, and the faster you act on it, the wiser.
4. I often wonder why people are so scared of being lost, on the road and in life. It’s kind of a cool feeling. Let it surprise you with the unexpected. Don’t be scared unless you feel like you’ll be lost forever. Then it’s time to craft a road map.

5. Hang out with small people regularly. Kids are best at reminding you to slow life down, to speak more clearly, and to notice the details—like shoelaces, crumbs and sticky fingers.

6. If you’re ever with someone who makes you wonder “why” instead of “how” you are with them, it means you’re with the wrong person.
7. Being with the right person feels effortless because all actions suddenly become motivated by love, rather than obligation.
8. It’s often the case you don’t understand how much your own parents sacrificed and compromised until you become a parent yourself. The earlier you realize this, the earlier you can truly learn to appreciate your parents as an individual and as a unit.
9. The first time you have to give your parents advice is weird. It’s even weirder when they listen. It really sucks when they don’t.
10. Sometimes I look at my best friends and wonder if I would ever get anywhere in life without them. I don’t think I would ever be strong or brave enough to do it alone.
11. Figure out what sort of books intrigue you, then read regularly.
12. Figure out what sort of organizations move you, then volunteer regularly.
13. When something dumb or unfair happens, either do something about it or learn to laugh it off as soon as possible. Alternatively, be proactive about preventing dumb things from happening.

14. The best gift you can give yourself is to learn to feel comfortable in your own skin. Build your confidence up slowly and surely—it helps to grow up with glasses and braces.

15. Being cool is relative to being lame. Don’t be so cool that you become lame.
16. Get your own life. Spend some quality and dedicated time developing your own interests and passions. The goal of course is to turn passion into living, which is challenging but worth trying.
17. I borrowed this one, and am trying to actively apply it to my life: “Don’t treat your stomach like a garbage can.” (It has been challenging but very satisfying so far.)
18. Be gentle with people you meet. You have yet to learn what they are about, or why they are the way they are.
19. Shower those you love with lots of affection; it’s the sweetest thing. Babies thrive off affection. I believe adults do too.
20. Make it a habit to say “thank you” in a way that ensures the other person really understands. Feeling appreciated inspires people to do great things.
21. Seeing the beauty in others, mirror the beauty that exist in yourself.
22. Have a few signature dishes you can cook up in the kitchen. There’s nothing more satisfying than feeding your friends and family.
23. Your age and body may grow older, but let your heart and soul remain forever young.
24. It’s impossible to know everything, so seek guidance from the infinite resources made available around you. Start by asking the first question.
25. Holding onto grudges is really silly—it’s giving someone power to have a negative effect on you longer than necessary.

26. I hate when I hear someone say: “You laugh too loud.” Laughing is the most wonderful sound in the world. It should be celebrated.

27. Rad. Intelligent. Beautiful. Happy. Be any or all of those things, and make it infectious.
28. Act the fool. It’s so much fun.
29. The worse thing is not lying to someone else. It’s lying to yourself.
30. Go ahead, live by any philosophy you want. Just live it, now.

Nadia Mah dreams to one day be the best selling author of children books. For now, she is building a career in marketing, traveling as often as possible, and hosting (scrumptious) dinner parties.

 

. Beach .

If you own these pictures and want me to put copyright stuff, let me know.

“At the beach, life is different. A day moves not from hour to hour but leaps from mood to moment.

We go with the currents, plan around the tides, follow the sun. We measure happiness by nothing we can hold... nothing we can catch.

Everywhere…Life is jumping and elusive and momentously momentary. We want to [stretch] the days, distill the memories, make them last. At the same time, we know that the beauty is in the evanescence.

Every wave comes in, then retreats.

Every day promises, then turns its back and slips away.

Every joy has a little tease in it, a give and a take, and leaves a wake of longing."

 

- Sandy Gingras, How to Live At the Beach.

How to Live Like a Mermaid...

Drink like a fish,
And ride the waves.

Play in the storm,

And swim with the sharks.

Live so deep, 
That life takes your breath away.

. Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies .

I used the recipe from http://allrecipes.com/recipe/best-big-fat-chewy-chocolate-chip-cookie/ and made changes as usual. I found it too sweet and had too strong of a baking soda smell. I think I would amend to as follows and see how it goes.

Fresh out of the oven! Pic via Instagram

My recipe:

• 2 cups plain flour (used cake flour cos we ran out of plain)
• 1/3 baking soda
• 170g butter - 3/4 browned, 1/4 softened for creaming with sugar
• 1 -2 tsp instant coffee
• 1/4 white sugar
• 2/3 brown or muscovado sugar.
• About 3/4 tbsp molasses
• 1 tsp salt
• 1.5 cups of dark chocolate chips (up to you, but leave some aside to put on top of the cookies. You can also sub some with white choc chips, caramel bits, then I'd reduce the sugar more if I were you.)
• 1 Vanilla pod
• 1 egg
• 1 yolk

Instructions:

1. Preheat oven at 170C.
2. Brown 3/4 of the butter. 
3. Sift flour, salt and baking soda together. Set aside.
4. Cream 1/4 of the butter with all the sugar, molasses, vanilla and coffee. Don't sink the container that you browned your butter in yet.
5. Add in the egg and the yolk one at a time, allowing proper mixing in between each addition.
6. Sift in the dry ingredients and fold till just incorporated. 
7. Fold in all your choc chips cept the ones you've left aside obviously.
8. Tuck the bowl of batter into the fridge for a bit. The longer the better.
9. Prepare your cookie tray/sheet/whatever. I lined mine with baking paper and oiled it with the leftover butter from my saucepan.
10. Plop a small portion of batter onto your tray, leaving about 3 inches space in between cos these lil fuckers tend to spread.
11. Dot your unbaked cookies with your leftover choc chips for prettiness.
12. Bake for 15-17 mins or until edges are browned and crisp.
13. Remove from oven when done and resist temptation to eat one now. It's too soft still. 
14. Let stand on the tray for a few mins before removing (you can eat one now) and cooling on a wire rack.
15. Eat some more.
16. Go for long run.

 The cookies were perfect warm from the oven; crispy on the outside, chewy on the inside, with gooey chocolate chips. As they cooled though, the sweetness started to come through. By the time they were fully cooled, all of them were oily and completely soft. Super disappointing. I guess there wasn't enough gluten, too much butter and maybe the molasses gave too much moisture. I'm most likely still going to use molasses cos the taste is lovely but, while using the same proportions, I'll give a full cup of bread flour rather than all cake flour.


Next time, I must try substituting the flour for 1 and 1/3 cup bread flour (for chewiness) and 2/3 cake flour (adapted sorta from http://buttercream-bakehouse.com/2013/04/perfect-chocolate-chip-cookies.html). According to TLC cooking, cake flour is bleached which does something to the protein, which reduces spreading.

That webpage has a whole host of info on different types of flours. Pasting here just in case the link dies. Credit given to the Editors of Easy Home Cooking Magazine

Q. What's the difference between cake flour, bread flour, and all-purpose flour? Is it okay to use all-purpose flour for everything?

©2007 Melanie Martinelli Using the right type of flour can make all the difference in taste and texture.

A. The main difference among flour types is in the gluten content, which varies depending on whether the flour is made from hard wheat or soft wheat. Gluten is the protein that helps yeast stretch and rise. To achieve the best baking results, use the type of flour a recipe specifically calls for.All-purpose flour is designed for a number of uses, including cookies, quick breads, biscuits, and cakes. A mixture of high-gluten hard wheat and low-gluten soft wheat, it comes in both bleached and unbleached forms, which can be used interchangeably.
Bread flour is an unbleached, high-gluten blend of mostly hard wheat and is best used in yeast breads.
Cake flour is made predominantly of soft wheat. Its fine texture and high starch content make it ideal for making tender cakes, cookies, biscuits, and pastries that do not need to stretch and rise much.
Pastry flour is similar to cake flour but has a slightly higher gluten content. This aids the elasticity needed to hold together the buttery layers in flaky doughs such as croissants, puff pastry, and pie crusts.
Self-rising flour is all-purpose flour that has had baking powder and salt added to it. Use it in yeast bread recipes in place of all-purpose flour by omitting salt, and in quick bread recipes by omitting salt and baking powder.

When the recipe calls for:	Substitute:
1 cup sifted cake flour	1 cup minus 2 tablespoons sifted all-purpose flour
1 cup pastry flour	1 cup minus 1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
1 cup self-rising flour	1 cup minus 1 tablespoon all-purpose flour plus 11/2 teaspoons baking powder and 1/8 teaspoon salt
1 cup all-purpose flour	1 cup plus 1 tablespoon pastry flour

Q. Most of my recipes call for pastry flour, but I prefer using Softasilk® cake flour. How much cake flour should I use in place of pastry flour? Also, will the amount of baking powder, baking soda, or salt need to be changed?
A. Pastry flour and cake flour are both milled from soft wheat and have lower protein levels, which makes them more suitable for items that need to be tender, such as cakes, pies, and pastries.
However, recipes call for specific types of flour for a reason. At 6 percent to 8 percent, cake flour has a lower protein level than pastry flour, which ranges from 8 percent to 10 percent protein. In addition, while pastry flour is usually sold unbleached, most cake flour, including Softasilk®, is bleached to speed up the natural process of flour maturing and color lightening.

©2007 Photodisc Cake flour has a lower protein level than pastry flour.

In the past, wheat was left to mature in the field, and flour was stored in silos for a while, allowing the oxygen in the air to bleach the flour naturally. These days, because farmers take their wheat to market sooner, flour millers bleach flour to speed up that maturing process.
Bleaching toughens cake flour's protein. This allows cake flour to support large amounts of sugar and fat without collapsing. But, because of this strengthening effect, substituting cake flour for pastry flour does have some physical effects. In cookies, for example, using cake flour reduces the amount that cookies spread.
Still, because of its lower protein levels, using cake flour instead of pastry flour will yield products that are more tender and possibly more crumbly. To compensate for that, you can substitute 1 cup plus 2 tablespoons of cake flour for every cup of pastry flour. Normally, you don't have to make any adjustments in the other ingredients.
Q. I see lots of recipes that call for whole-wheat flour. Can I substitute with all-purpose white flour? Would it make a difference in baking, such as a cake or muffins?
A. Substituting white flour for whole-wheat flour could make a difference in many dishes, especially in baked goods, because the flours are so different in texture, taste, and moisture content.
White flour is the ground inner kernel or endosperm of two types of wheat: high-gluten hard wheat and low-gluten soft wheat. It contains neither the bran nor the germ of whole-wheat flours.
Whole-wheat flours are available in two general types: The type labeled "whole-wheat" is usually ground hard wheat that is high in gluten and best for baking bread. Whole-wheat "pastry flour" is made from a soft wheat low in gluten and is best for cakes, muffins, biscuits, scones, pastries, and cookies.

M. MacKenzie You can make delicious, fiber-filled muffins using whole-wheat pastry flour.

Although bread flour and pastry flour -- either white or whole-wheat -- can't be substituted for each other, most sources say you can successfully substitute up to half of the whole-wheat flour called for in a recipe with all-purpose white flour. You may have to experiment with the amount of the liquids in the recipe as a result.

Keep in mind, however, that white flour does not contain the fiber and nutrients of whole-wheat flour. Whole-wheat flour has fewer calories and carbohydrates than white flour, and it contains five times the fiber, twice the calcium, and 25 percent more protein than white flour.
Q. When I'm doing my weekly grocery shopping, I see the words "fortified" or "enriched" on food labels. What do they mean, and what's the difference?
A. A "fortified" food is one that has had one or more nutrients added to it that it normally does not have. For example, milk is fortified with vitamin D. Orange juice can be fortified with calcium, which benefits bone health.
Other foods, such as flour, can lose important nutrients during processing. By "enriching" the food, the food processor adds back lost vitamins and minerals, so the food can still provide most of these nutrients.
However, "enriching" does not mean extra vitamins or minerals are added. Instead, a food such as breakfast cereal can use "enriched" flour and be "fortified" with added vitamins and minerals.

. Good habits, Useful articles and Raving about Richard Branson #fangirlmoment .

I love Facebook because of the people I have as friends and the posts they make. Ignoring the ever-present idiocy in large numbers of people, there have actually been quite a few gems of late that have led to other gems (could also be my increased attention to the latter and decreased attention to the former. Yay LoA!). One of the latter gems is a post on how to stop procrastinating. This one's a 2-minute rule. The basic premise, as reworded by a commenter of the article, is instead of thinking of tasks in their entirety and enormity, think about how you can at least do 2 minutes worth of it.
Like, want to pick up running? The guy says put on your shoes and step out the door every Mon, Wed, Fri. That would take 2 mins and you'll just turn it into more. And on the same topic of exercising... I've always known the science of and why exercising keeps you healthy and happy. But my recent efforts to get and keep fit have really driven the point home for me. I realise that when I go a few days without some form of physical exertion, the crazy moods come back. Mildly scary and pretty interesting. I'd always said I wanted to be fit. Seems my body/brain is giving me such strong impetus to do so. Don't exercise and get depressed.

Anyway, back to the post. This is the link. http://jamesclear.com/how-to-stop-procrastinating
This post is worth keeping and rereading every once in a while. It's also worth noting that the comments in the posts are good reads too.

The post that linked me to the one above is about one of my favourite people whom I look up to with a lot of respect and admiration. I hardly have heroes. This guy, I'm a fan. One of the things I admire about him is his simple philosophy of just do it. Not ready? Not sure? Don't care, just start. He flows and wields with skill, the power that creates worlds. But my favourite thing about him is just how much he enjoys life and the clarity with which he sees and feels how life is supposed to truly be lived; with joyous, juicy, delicious delight and exuberance. Richard Branson. Best dude in the world.

http://jamesclear.quora.com/Successful-People-Start-Before-They-Feel-Ready

. Peanut Butter Cocoa Balls aka Chocolate Salty Balls (recipe) .

To read the background story, click here (so sweet ah, you)


(Makes about 18 balls depending obviously on your ball size (teehee). Mine were 3/4".)

Utensils:

Mixing bowl - big enough of course.
Spoons - however many you might need. I kinda used about 3 teaspoons I think.
A tray or an airtight container (preferable so your lovely salty balls won't absorb fridge smells) - to lay your balls on.
Parchment/wax/baking paper (optional).
Mug/Cocktail glass/Drinking receptacle (optional)

Ingredients (any portions are estimates):

1. Cocoa powder - 3 generous tsps.
2. Milk powder - 3 generous tsps. 
3. Peanut butter - 3 generous tbsps.
4. Maple syrup - pour enough to taste and bind.
5. Orange zest - enough to taste.
6. Vanilla essence or seeds from one vanilla pod.
7. Any liquor of choice - a dash (optional).
8. Sea salt flakes to sprinkle. 
9. Coconut oil (or butter, or any complementary oil) - enough to oil tray/container.
10. Any cocktail mixer of choice (optional).

Directions:

1. Make your alcoholic beverage of choice. Consume throughout at desired speed.
2. Line your tray/container if you wish, then oil the liner. Or just oil the tray/container straight. Your choice.
3. Mix dry ingredients together (1 & 2) thoroughly.
4. Make a well.
5. Add the peanut butter and mix slightly, or muchly. Whichever you choose. Keep in mind that the end mixture should be wet enough to bind together into balls or whatever shape you choose and hold its shape, but not too wet that it'll fall apart.
6. Add all the other ingredients except the sea salt flakes and the oil, as and when you wish into the centre and just mix them all well. Keep tasting and revising. Just don't eat it all at one shot. You'll totally regret it!
7. You can add some coconut oil or butter if you'd like a slightly oilier consistency and if you want the flavour.
8. Shape into balls. Chocolate salty balls. Or whatever shape, if you don't want balls. Chocolate salty balls.
9. Put your balls (or not) onto your prepared container/tray.
10. Sprinkle with salt. I like mine saltier, so I sprinkle more salt.
11. Refrigerate till shiok (I happened to leave them overnight but I'm sure they'll be fine in 3-4hrs or so to firm up. Although they felt fine eaten straightaway/while shaping).
12. Lick your fingers (optional but highly recommended).
13. Finish your beverage. 
14. Or make another if you've already finished.
15. Enjoy the satisfaction of having just made an easy hands in the clay dessert. And the warmness of alcohol in your belly.

Don't forget to wash your hands........ Or not. I would judge you if you didn't. Just sayin. 

. Chocolate Salty Balls - story .

The other night I was restless and itching to make something, a dessert, something chocolatey, something slightly rich that hit the right spot and didn't require a whole lot of planning, measuring, time or baking. Basically something that didn't need much concentration or brain power.

I'd bought a box of cocoa powder recently which was sitting on a buffet table directly in front of my room and along the common walk way in our home (or whatever you'd call that). So that had been on my mind. I do love opening packages, regardless of what's inside. So I decided to make my own version of Peanut Butter Chocolate Salty Balls (teehee I am a child). No measuring, just pour and agak-agak (estimate).
 
Just below is exactly what I did.

The next post will be an amended version and improvements that I think could be made.
The rest of this will be me prattling on about my thought process of improvements, tips and variations so you can skip right ahead and click here if you don't want to read the in betweens (okaaayyyy #sadface).

The ingredients:
Cocoa powder. Milk powder (well I used a few scoops of Mum's colostrum and a little milk powder...let's hope Mum doesn't read this haha...otherwise...um...nutrient packed snack Mummy! :D). Maple syrup. Peanut butter . Sea salt flakes to sprinkle. Coconut oil.

Directions:
Line tray with foil or wax paper and oil with the coconut oil.

Mix cocoa powder n milk powder till nicely blended, then all the others except the salt. Then shape into balls, line em up on ur oiled paper and sprinkle with sea salt. Put that whole thing in the fridge and try not to touch them till, I dunno, a few hours time or something. I left them overnight seeing as I'd finished making them around midnight.


I ate quite a bit while I was making them (and along with a lovely hot cocoa...heavy on the cocoa...found out that too much hot cocoa can induce a slight caffeine OD), then I ate one tonight, and another. So different! They tasted like they had some kind of orange essence!

Notes and tips:
The fridge I put them in is our dessert, fruits and drinks fridge. So basically no funky un/cooked food smells. Seeing as I'd left them uncovered, I can only guess that they absorbed the orange smells in the fridge perhaps.

So Tip #1: Would be a good idea if you put your balls in an airtight container if you don't have a separate fridge from your meats and foods with funky smells.

Tip #2: Add vanilla something...pod, essence, what have you.

Tip#3: Add orange juice and zest. And cointreau. And for that matter.....

Tip #4: Alcohol! Cointreau, Grand Marnier, Bailey's (all the flavours), Kahlua, Tequila Rose, whatever you could think of that could possibly match! Get creative! Which brings me to....

Variations!: 
Sub peanut butter and maple syrup with condensed milk.
Whack coconut sugar, gula melaka, any form of sweetener/sugar.
Throw in molasses.
Milo.
Horlicks.
Any nut butter [I probably would be slightly more conscious of making it a healthy snack so....rather than store bought peanut butter (which was leftover from making Mal's cakes) I'd make my own pb.]
Chopped nuts
Mash some bananas, cook them in butter, squeeze some lemons over them and throw that banana chunk/mash mixture in.

Mix all the above together or do them separately. This can be a pretty fun experiment. And if I leave out the white sugars and the gluten stuff, Mum can eat them too.

. Good words to live by .

Go on hikes in forests, canyons and mountains, go fishing, research wildlife, and get out of city Life if you can. Surround yourself with good friends who care about your future. Fall in love with someone. Get your heart broken. And then move on and fall in love again. Breathe life every day like it is your first. Find something that you love to do and never stop doing that thing unless you find something else you love more. Don’t blame others for their mistakes. It makes you weak. You are a strong man who does not need to be weighted down by people who only complain and say negative things. Speak with conviction and believe in yourself because your personal confidence is just as important as your education.

 Andrew Pochter

. A Meandering Thought Process of the Same Old .

I have this idea in my head of the kind of person I believe I truly am deep down when the facade of normalcy is dropped. I long to lead a certain lifestyle and embrace certain concepts which I do not yet embody. When I was younger I used to believe I would be this this and that kind of person and am only not, at the moment, because of the limitations then of society and opportunity. Those were the excuses I gave myself. I felt cool and different and awesome then. Even while I felt like I didn't quite fit in, it didn't matter because my brethren were not around to embrace me yet and it was OK. People around me bought my act and it was all cool and shite. Hell, I bought my act, which gives it authority because my vibration about it was pure. But there comes a time when the incubation of certain ideas are no longer acceptable. Fruition or no dice. Pix or it didn't happen.

Now that I'm older and supposedly grown up, slightly past that age of young and foolish, and closer to should be getting my shit together, I feel so out of touch with that person I was supposed to be. It has been said that the fastest way to be who you want to be is to surround yourself with people who already are. I have been lucky enough to have met people leading the life I'd Love to lead. Doing the things I'd Love to do. But they scare me. I have no idea why. I wonder if it's an issue I've always grappled with of being good enough. A very deep seated issue that I've come to accept will always be a program I'll have running in the background. I wonder how people get from the thinking to the being and doing stage cos I'm just so stuck and blind. It feels like a part of my brain is just gimped.

I also wonder if everything just came together because they were all on the same grid. Well I suppose they did....all on the same disc. It's pretty scary how being in a serious relationship could really mess up all the energy grid work one had been doing before. It's pretty scary how a toxic relationship can mess it all up. I didn't realise how much of myself I had compromised. Actually it occurred to me often enough that I wasn't doing a lot of things I usually would've been doing had I been on my own. I found myself compromising a lot more than I would've (and spending waaay more on food and electricity as well than if I were on my own, and even having to compromise on quality cos I couldn't afford for two! I used to be able to save half my allowance but that guy sucked my savings dry and he never knew and prolly never will). But I told myself things like it was OK, I didn't feel the urge to do these things and also well the sacrifices were worth it. I wonder if I should've been more selfish and more willing to rock the boat. But I wanted to treat him how I wanted to be treated. I also really thought the sacrifices were either worth it or didn't feel like sacrifices at all. Turns out I was wrong. I've been trying for the past two and a half years trying to find my compass. It wasn't that bad until I realised I'd also lost myself half way in..and then I lost my higher self late last year early this year. Boy was that a ride...to suddenly realise how not tough I am. To suddenly realise that I had not dealt with the previous year's trauma as well as I'd believed and to have the repercussions show up in the weirdest most psycho reactions to shit. Reactions and thoughts that felt foreign and strange... scary, abrupt and with my usual comforting better judgment nowhere near.

I have been having short reprieves where it feels like I've returned but it's not the same anymore. I'm surprised it took so little to leave all these cracks on me. I have been trying the past half year to be whole again. But I can't seem to trust my judgment very much at the moment. It surprises me when certain fantastic moments of grid filling in happen, like finding out the company I applied to from a job aims to be exactly like what I've been asking for and other happy coincidences. But it just still feels different. It still feels like happy face sticker on empty fuel gauge. I guess I'll just really have to ride this out cos it'll be over soon. And this new momentum I've been working on can start to take over.

Perhaps it's time to start a blog on things that interest me so I have somewhere and something to more positively focus my energies on. Now I just have to think about what.

. Gratitude, excitement, anticipation .

Today, I am grateful for signs that my instincts are reliable, that I'm well taken care of. Despite the bumps and crazy moodswings, my boat is pointed in the right direction and I'm floating down the river, oars free from their holds long ago. Maybe we can meet further down the river, share what we discovered and revel in the view.

There is a nervousness which I am detecting. I suppose it's alright. After all, the signposts indicate clearly that -that- is downstream. So either way, I'm getting there. In the meantime, I just focus on my vibes.

I'm getting there.

. Ignorance or denial? Either way, neither is bliss .

Most times you just can't help the feelings, as sick as you feel of them, coming over and over like waves washing ashore. And the thoughts...often the thoughts, the questions, and then the feelings. And if you have silly sensibilities like mine, you will want to indulge...can't really help but indulge and feel confused. Until you realise you're indulging and then you get sick of it and wonder why you're so silly. Bring out the pity party. I do wish I was more sensible. I do envy the more pragmatic folks who can compartmentalise easier perhaps...well...they do something and just somehow don't feel the intensity, or are able to see these feelings in all their silly glory and pish posh them aside, easy peasy.

But I'm not one of those people. I try my best to be. It's a wonderful life they seemingly lead. I can only imagine of course. (And people so often tell me I am. But really, with the stupidity that goes on in my head, I wonder how much they're lying, and/or how deluded with love for me they are, or perhaps how well I act.) And having silly sensibilities, I pooh-pooh others during their silly moments...moments when I feel the complete unnecessariness of the silliness and am able to pish posh them aside. Then I fall into one of them and get reminded again why I should be less judgemental. And get reminded how stupidly judgemental I can be. Oh dear. Silly cycle.

And then I attempt to stop myself. Sometimes I succeed. Most times I just wonder if I must be blind and deluded like the other blind deluded people I rant about. How can it be that just a few paltry short months can have such an effect to last all those years. But then the worst was the couple of isolated days after, with the "explanations" and "apologies". Always the apologies that I buy so easily and the hope I unwillingly want to give up. I blindly cling onto. Why do I keep beating a dead horse? My pragmatic side can clearly see how dead it is, but that other side...that other side that buys it all... it refuses to believe that the words, the exchanges, the moments and connections weren't true at all; perhaps it's pride that wants to keep the horse alive so that I would not be the fool that kept beating the dead horse. But it is also pride that says fuck it man...it's a dead horse!

How much of a fool am I, really? And if I am a huge, huge fool, does that make you a giant bastard? Or is it really just all my own foolish doing?

Either way, I really do not know how to be the better person. I do not know how to do this with the peace and magnanimity of the grown-up, well-adjusted, loving, sensible person with foresight and fairness. I wish I did, especially with the peace and love and acceptingness shit but I don't. All I can do is regard you with suspicion, blame you in my head and wonder about the extent of my delusion. I actually feel really small about it. And if what you said is true, maybe you might feel it too. But if it's not, balls to me for being such a fool. Because after all that, unfortunately for me, I still have a great...um...love? fondness?...well.....a nice feelingness.... for you. A tenderness if you will, you bloody bastard. She said, "yeah so show you know what's going on, you acknowledge that; but you don't give a flying fuck anymore. you really don't care,".

Great advice I thought. Ah, but I do care.

It's the foolish sensibilities.

What can I do to make this better? To bring myself some peace?

Strange how sometimes the briefest moments (in comparison to life's entirety) can leave such indelible marks. Yet, come to think of it, I have now known (of) you for over a half decade. You bloody bastard.


I don't see myself permanently ending this foolishness anytime soon. But for now, I shall cease to beat the drum. For now, just for now. At least for now.




Edit: The foolishness finally did end, so naturally, all on its own, with so much relief, Sept 2018.

. Citrus Cream Cheese Frosting topped Lemon Tea Jello filled Earl Grey Cupcakes.

(My first picture upload in years yay!)

This is this
Everything was lovely, but I'll need to cut a big hole in the centre of the cake instead and fill with the jello. Also, I'll need to chill the cakes first before I fill. Perhaps even freeze them slightly. And perhaps I'll also need to chill the jello slightly so they're slightly solid.

The frosting was

1 pkg cream cheese
1/5 (or so) unsalted softened butter
Orange and lemon zest
2 cups sugar

Next time, a pinch of salt.

. Naivete is a dangerous thing .

A siren beckoned and her song was sweet.
The stormy sea he paid no heed.
Dashed his ship across her rocks
Proffered his sails to make her a frock.
A willing sacrifice, one of many he made.
A siren cooed across a stormy sea.
In her song he reveled, cocooned in her words
A promise of the sun.
Seductive, golden, silken sweet.
Gilted, urgent. Undeniably.
Undeniable need?
Pushy, manipulative.
Glinting, a warning.
His realisation too late.
A siren beckoned mellifluous and honeyed across a stormy sea.
A siren.
A siren you dumbass.