. it felt like a great big flaming pile of shit flying through the air .

I was clearing out my laptop and found this old letter. Since I decided then to just let it slide and not bother delivering it, and since too much time has passed and hey I can't even be bothered much about the friendship anyway, I thought I'd just post it here. Sort've as a warning, in case any future friends decide to read this. Also I blocked out names and such. But left enough in there for anyone clued in enough to sort out who what where ;)

Sometimes I do things like these that I just -know- I'll regret later. But I have not had any sleep in a while and I feel just a tad daaangerous. Hahahahahaha

On hindsight, I'm also kinda not surprised that 24 Sept happened. They're both kinda related. Can you see why? ;)

Saturday, 21 July 2007

It felt like a great injustice. We’d spoken about it before. If we ever both liked a guy at the same time we won’t stop each other from trying our luck but ultimately the choice would be his. The victor won’t flaunt it but it should not break our friendship up.

We’d both met him at the same time and gone on about how cute he is. She had her eye on 2 guys, the Fxxxx and an Axxx guy. She, identifying herself as half Axxx, well it would’ve been obvious wouldn’t it? 2 of us girls. Supposedly great friends meet 2 guys. She’s interested in both, I’m only interested in 1. For her to say, “Oh, whom should I choose?” What would you think? Is she thinking of her friend at all? Or just herself? She keeps going they’re both so cute. Why would she suddenly change target to the Fxxxxx one, and when I go, “are you serious? Cos I think he’s cute too.” She looked at me for a while after that then “got distracted”. I know she’s not an idiot.

So whenever he talks to me she looks at me and smiles with that “ooh, you go girl” look. I would keep it to a minimum but to me, my trump card is my personality, my intelligence, my quiet class and looks. No ott performance whatsoever.

She keeps going on and on about ohh so many choices which to choose, like as if I didn’t matter. Then she keeps flaunting and crowing about every “achievement” she’s made with him. His hard-on when he was grinding her etc.

She comes into my room the day he’s supposed to come over. B comments that my room is neater. She goes, oh sure, it’s cos he’s coming over. I say no, it’s cos you know whom is comin over. She says she thinks he’s a really great guy to have as a friend so she won’t chase after him cos he has a gf already and she doesn’t wanna lose him as a friend. I share the same sentiments.

He comes over and we drink and laugh and talk. I get tipsy and have a lot of fun. She’s supposed to be doing her work but she isn’t. Whatever, that’s her problem. He grabs my phone a few times to look at the pictures I try to grab it back he puts it above his head. I’m having fun so I play along, I lean over to try and grab it back and laugh at our silliness. She disappears.

When they leave, she grabs B along (I’m surprised he felt it was ok for 2 people…1 unrelated no less… to ambush a person nay a friend like that…considering his talks of karma and shit hey thanks for the double whammy attack…stab the other one why don’t you) and accuses me of flirting with him. In her words “when you know that I really like him”. Hah! It’s funny really. Especially when she feigns ignorance when I go, and you didn’t realise I like him too. It’s too bad she waylaid me while I was tipsy. You’re not an idiot girl. Quit treating me like one. When I mention many times over, “really cos I think he’s cute too…” I know that you know. If you don’t for example, why would you even think I was cleaning up my room for him? The difference between the both of us is that everything you’ve accused me of doing, from wanting someone after someone else wants them to being disloyal, being manipulative, being flirtatious (how my close friends back home would laugh at hearing everything you’ve accused me of being)… well have you looked in a mirror recently? The only reason I’m not aggressive in this is because you keep feigning ignorance and I don’t want to push it. How you looked at every single action under a microscope and gave it meaning. Even when there was none.You think I wasn’t upset when you keep talking about your choices without factoring me in? I wouldn’t for ONE second do that to you. If there were 2 guys that I both liked and only 1 that you liked I would have made my choice of the other guy. I would not have chosen the one that you liked as well. You knew I’ve been iffy about my SB. He’s younger and well frankly come on. He’s not here. I asked you if you had a big crush on F. You said yes. You weren’t lying there. So if it’s a big crush, why do you not work on it? I’ll tell you. You like having their attention. You like them eating out of the palm of your hand. It’s how you get your kicks. You don’t even realise it. But I notice that whenever you spoke about him, you’d be looking over at me constantly as if to make sure I heard it all. And when I pretended I couldn’t be fucked you stopped. Even if you were talking to other people. Even if I’d heard it a million times over. If I showed any interest, it’d fire you up. You think I wasn’t affected when you kept rubbing, flaunting everything in my face? Did you even notice the looks people were giving me when you kept going ohhhh which one should I choose?

Why do you do that? Why are you so competitive? I held his interest that night. Not because I was trying to flirt with him. You said he’d make a good friend. I agreed with you. So is your voice so attractive to you, are you so self absorbed that nothing anyone says registers in your mind? At all? So I held his interest, played with him like I would a guy I’m interested to develop a friendship with.

And you get so jealous, but you’re so insecure, you have to drag someone else to back you up when you come to confront me about it. While I’m inebriated. And then you accuse me of not being a good friend, of overstepping boundaries. Read through this and tell me where, at all, have you even once considered my feelings?

Notice how I never said anything. And I wouldn’t unless it becomes a really big issue for me. I deal with it myself. I reason that you don’t realise what you’re doing, but maybe I would one day sit down and talk to you about it without my guns blazing. I thought, you know what, if she’s not even realising what she’s doing, and bringing it up might stir up nasty feelings then like whatever, and he’s taken anyway. So whatever. SB’s been really sweet. There’re more available fish in the sea. Fine. I’ll just suck it up and leave it at that.

But you. The moment you feel threatened... that’s what you do. Come out guns ablazing. Do you even realise how much you love drama? How you keep creating all these scenarios… absolutely delusional scenarios where everyone’s out to get you. Recent example of thinking F hadn’t called you the whole day cos he spoke to his Axxx gang. You wouldn’t believe me when I said maybe it’s just your imagination and be patient. Eventually he called. Example of how you went crazy when A didn’t contact you after coming back from Oxxx. Have you ever considered the best course of action for your relationships with people? Or are you just interested in you you you?

Sure that girl tried to kill you. Sure it’s traumatic. But you love the drama. Cos if you didn’t you’d tell yourself to calm down and not jump to conclusions. You know it’s scarred you and will definitely make you jump to conclusions but yet you allow it to make your imagination run away. And then you believe it. You allow yourself to believe your delusions even when you know they’re there. Then you use it and turn on the ones who care about you and try to force it down our throats. You live, you learn. Or you’re supposed to. Traumatic events happen to a lot of people and cause their thinking to be coloured. But if you know it’s coloured, why can’t you factor that in? Why do you still believe the colour you see? You’re not stupid. Come on. You just like the drama don’t you. It hurts. It’s not easy. But you’re not stupid. And you’re not weak. You can do it. It’s just an excuse now because you’re not stupid enough for it to overpower your thinking. We all know you’re intelligent.

Honestly ask yourself if at any one moment in your life, anything you’ve ever done has been purely altruistic and nothing to do with yourself. Anything at all. Because more likely than not, anything that you’ve “sacrificed” has been to make yourself feel better about yourself… maybe something like “oh I’m such a great person doing this self-sacrificial shit”. But in that thought, unfortunately, it’s not self-sacrificial at all because you’re gaining something from it. More so than for the person you’re “sacrificing” for. So that nullifies it doesn’t it.

Remember how I told you I can’t depend on anyone to have my back and that the only person who has my back is myself? Yeah thanks for reinforcing that for me.

It’s funny how you accuse me of all these things. I thought you’d know me by now. But then again have you noticed how you like to make up stories about me and tell them to people. Things like how we always practice bellydancing when you’re the one who does it and I’ve only onced asked you to show me. Things like how I’ve a tattoo somewhere. You always like to speak on my behalf… paint pictures of me. It was funny, it made me laugh. It didn’t matter cos I thought we were just joking. I thought you knew the real me. But it looks like all you know is the pictures you’ve painted of me.

I know that I’m a great friend. A fantastically loyal friend in fact. I bite the bullet when I know it’ll save the friendship. I sacrifice my feelings for the friendship. And if I have a problem with you, when I’ve sorted my feelings out, I talk to you alone.

Can you honestly say you’re any of that? I really don’t think so. Let’s summarise you. It’s really easy. It’s you, you, you, and then maybe someone else if that someone else can be your backup dancer.

I don’t mind not being in the spotlight. I’m more comfortable being in the background. I’m shy, reserved… really more comfortable being in the background. Sometimes in the spotlight, fine when it’s shared. You know you really make me miss my friends at home. Often I’m not the one in the spotlight. But they don’t make me feel like I’m their fucking backup dancer. That’s not a friendship. You want a backup dancer hire one. When you’re ready for a true friend, come look for me.

When I asked you if we were both ok, I really wish we were. But I couldn’t sleep. And then when I woke up I felt so sick about it I couldn’t get out of bed. And when I did, I couldn’t get out of my room.

You have a glib tongue. The gift of the gab. I have my sincerity. Attack me while I’m drunk and unprepared and you’ve got me at my weakest. You pierce me at my softest and I know all I can do is offer the truth that will repair YOUR hurting wall. But it won’t repair mine. Because as I try to repair mine, it’s gonna sting yours. And you won’t help me to repair it because all you’ll see is an attack on yours. Sometimes it’s not about attacking you at all you know. Can you even understand that? I’ll always have your back. But will you be able to have mine this time? I’m typing this at 630am because if I don’t get these words down I might just explode. Even though I’m typing this out to try to sort my feelings out… I can’t even get everything I’m feeling out right now. This is not easy. Why do I feel that even in a letter that’s meant to be about me this time, that I have to put in softening words because I’m afraid you’ll treat this purely as an attack? I feel like an idiot for letting you see how much you’d hurt me. For letting you see me cry. For letting me feel like I’d not learnt my lesson that no one has my back but myself. For carrying this hurt and feeling of injustice in me for a whole day and feeling like I can only write it down for it all to get heard. I know that you’ll use these words however you want to. But I wonder if this time you’ll use them to help me repair my wall . Because hey, this time, THIS is MY spotlight. This is MY hurt. MY injustice. And MY wall crying to be repaired. You wanted assurance that night. I want mine now. And I guess we’ll see how long it takes for me to get the guts to deliver this flaming pile of shit to you. Will we be able to turn it into nutrients for a strong healthy plant? Hey you know what? That’s your job now. I’m sick of being the one to try to sort things out. Just so you know, I’ve noticed how I lost your trust after your concussion. It’d been fucking stabbing me in the heart but I understood and I’ve been dealing with it myself. I’ll explain it further. It’s exactly like losing a friend, cept there’s a ghost that keeps reminding you of your lost friendship right there. Since this is about everything that’s my feelings. Well here, thought I should let you know cos right here and right now, I’m at my boiling point. You know I’ve got your back. Always had, always will. I’m tired of beating around the bush and trying to slowly, tenderly build it up. I wanna know, have you got mine?

Or am I just wasting my time?