. Good habits, Useful articles and Raving about Richard Branson #fangirlmoment .

I love Facebook because of the people I have as friends and the posts they make. Ignoring the ever-present idiocy in large numbers of people, there have actually been quite a few gems of late that have led to other gems (could also be my increased attention to the latter and decreased attention to the former. Yay LoA!). One of the latter gems is a post on how to stop procrastinating. This one's a 2-minute rule. The basic premise, as reworded by a commenter of the article, is instead of thinking of tasks in their entirety and enormity, think about how you can at least do 2 minutes worth of it.
Like, want to pick up running? The guy says put on your shoes and step out the door every Mon, Wed, Fri. That would take 2 mins and you'll just turn it into more. And on the same topic of exercising... I've always known the science of and why exercising keeps you healthy and happy. But my recent efforts to get and keep fit have really driven the point home for me. I realise that when I go a few days without some form of physical exertion, the crazy moods come back. Mildly scary and pretty interesting. I'd always said I wanted to be fit. Seems my body/brain is giving me such strong impetus to do so. Don't exercise and get depressed.

Anyway, back to the post. This is the link. http://jamesclear.com/how-to-stop-procrastinating
This post is worth keeping and rereading every once in a while. It's also worth noting that the comments in the posts are good reads too.

The post that linked me to the one above is about one of my favourite people whom I look up to with a lot of respect and admiration. I hardly have heroes. This guy, I'm a fan. One of the things I admire about him is his simple philosophy of just do it. Not ready? Not sure? Don't care, just start. He flows and wields with skill, the power that creates worlds. But my favourite thing about him is just how much he enjoys life and the clarity with which he sees and feels how life is supposed to truly be lived; with joyous, juicy, delicious delight and exuberance. Richard Branson. Best dude in the world.

http://jamesclear.quora.com/Successful-People-Start-Before-They-Feel-Ready

. Peanut Butter Cocoa Balls aka Chocolate Salty Balls (recipe) .

To read the background story, click here (so sweet ah, you)


(Makes about 18 balls depending obviously on your ball size (teehee). Mine were 3/4".)

Utensils:

Mixing bowl - big enough of course.
Spoons - however many you might need. I kinda used about 3 teaspoons I think.
A tray or an airtight container (preferable so your lovely salty balls won't absorb fridge smells) - to lay your balls on.
Parchment/wax/baking paper (optional).
Mug/Cocktail glass/Drinking receptacle (optional)

Ingredients (any portions are estimates):

1. Cocoa powder - 3 generous tsps.
2. Milk powder - 3 generous tsps. 
3. Peanut butter - 3 generous tbsps.
4. Maple syrup - pour enough to taste and bind.
5. Orange zest - enough to taste.
6. Vanilla essence or seeds from one vanilla pod.
7. Any liquor of choice - a dash (optional).
8. Sea salt flakes to sprinkle. 
9. Coconut oil (or butter, or any complementary oil) - enough to oil tray/container.
10. Any cocktail mixer of choice (optional).

Directions:

1. Make your alcoholic beverage of choice. Consume throughout at desired speed.
2. Line your tray/container if you wish, then oil the liner. Or just oil the tray/container straight. Your choice.
3. Mix dry ingredients together (1 & 2) thoroughly.
4. Make a well.
5. Add the peanut butter and mix slightly, or muchly. Whichever you choose. Keep in mind that the end mixture should be wet enough to bind together into balls or whatever shape you choose and hold its shape, but not too wet that it'll fall apart.
6. Add all the other ingredients except the sea salt flakes and the oil, as and when you wish into the centre and just mix them all well. Keep tasting and revising. Just don't eat it all at one shot. You'll totally regret it!
7. You can add some coconut oil or butter if you'd like a slightly oilier consistency and if you want the flavour.
8. Shape into balls. Chocolate salty balls. Or whatever shape, if you don't want balls. Chocolate salty balls.
9. Put your balls (or not) onto your prepared container/tray.
10. Sprinkle with salt. I like mine saltier, so I sprinkle more salt.
11. Refrigerate till shiok (I happened to leave them overnight but I'm sure they'll be fine in 3-4hrs or so to firm up. Although they felt fine eaten straightaway/while shaping).
12. Lick your fingers (optional but highly recommended).
13. Finish your beverage. 
14. Or make another if you've already finished.
15. Enjoy the satisfaction of having just made an easy hands in the clay dessert. And the warmness of alcohol in your belly.

Don't forget to wash your hands........ Or not. I would judge you if you didn't. Just sayin. 

. Chocolate Salty Balls - story .

The other night I was restless and itching to make something, a dessert, something chocolatey, something slightly rich that hit the right spot and didn't require a whole lot of planning, measuring, time or baking. Basically something that didn't need much concentration or brain power.

I'd bought a box of cocoa powder recently which was sitting on a buffet table directly in front of my room and along the common walk way in our home (or whatever you'd call that). So that had been on my mind. I do love opening packages, regardless of what's inside. So I decided to make my own version of Peanut Butter Chocolate Salty Balls (teehee I am a child). No measuring, just pour and agak-agak (estimate).
 
Just below is exactly what I did.

The next post will be an amended version and improvements that I think could be made.
The rest of this will be me prattling on about my thought process of improvements, tips and variations so you can skip right ahead and click here if you don't want to read the in betweens (okaaayyyy #sadface).

The ingredients:
Cocoa powder. Milk powder (well I used a few scoops of Mum's colostrum and a little milk powder...let's hope Mum doesn't read this haha...otherwise...um...nutrient packed snack Mummy! :D). Maple syrup. Peanut butter . Sea salt flakes to sprinkle. Coconut oil.

Directions:
Line tray with foil or wax paper and oil with the coconut oil.

Mix cocoa powder n milk powder till nicely blended, then all the others except the salt. Then shape into balls, line em up on ur oiled paper and sprinkle with sea salt. Put that whole thing in the fridge and try not to touch them till, I dunno, a few hours time or something. I left them overnight seeing as I'd finished making them around midnight.


I ate quite a bit while I was making them (and along with a lovely hot cocoa...heavy on the cocoa...found out that too much hot cocoa can induce a slight caffeine OD), then I ate one tonight, and another. So different! They tasted like they had some kind of orange essence!

Notes and tips:
The fridge I put them in is our dessert, fruits and drinks fridge. So basically no funky un/cooked food smells. Seeing as I'd left them uncovered, I can only guess that they absorbed the orange smells in the fridge perhaps.

So Tip #1: Would be a good idea if you put your balls in an airtight container if you don't have a separate fridge from your meats and foods with funky smells.

Tip #2: Add vanilla something...pod, essence, what have you.

Tip#3: Add orange juice and zest. And cointreau. And for that matter.....

Tip #4: Alcohol! Cointreau, Grand Marnier, Bailey's (all the flavours), Kahlua, Tequila Rose, whatever you could think of that could possibly match! Get creative! Which brings me to....

Variations!: 
Sub peanut butter and maple syrup with condensed milk.
Whack coconut sugar, gula melaka, any form of sweetener/sugar.
Throw in molasses.
Milo.
Horlicks.
Any nut butter [I probably would be slightly more conscious of making it a healthy snack so....rather than store bought peanut butter (which was leftover from making Mal's cakes) I'd make my own pb.]
Chopped nuts
Mash some bananas, cook them in butter, squeeze some lemons over them and throw that banana chunk/mash mixture in.

Mix all the above together or do them separately. This can be a pretty fun experiment. And if I leave out the white sugars and the gluten stuff, Mum can eat them too.

. Good words to live by .

Go on hikes in forests, canyons and mountains, go fishing, research wildlife, and get out of city Life if you can. Surround yourself with good friends who care about your future. Fall in love with someone. Get your heart broken. And then move on and fall in love again. Breathe life every day like it is your first. Find something that you love to do and never stop doing that thing unless you find something else you love more. Don’t blame others for their mistakes. It makes you weak. You are a strong man who does not need to be weighted down by people who only complain and say negative things. Speak with conviction and believe in yourself because your personal confidence is just as important as your education.

 Andrew Pochter

. A Meandering Thought Process of the Same Old .

I have this idea in my head of the kind of person I believe I truly am deep down when the facade of normalcy is dropped. I long to lead a certain lifestyle and embrace certain concepts which I do not yet embody. When I was younger I used to believe I would be this this and that kind of person and am only not, at the moment, because of the limitations then of society and opportunity. Those were the excuses I gave myself. I felt cool and different and awesome then. Even while I felt like I didn't quite fit in, it didn't matter because my brethren were not around to embrace me yet and it was OK. People around me bought my act and it was all cool and shite. Hell, I bought my act, which gives it authority because my vibration about it was pure. But there comes a time when the incubation of certain ideas are no longer acceptable. Fruition or no dice. Pix or it didn't happen.

Now that I'm older and supposedly grown up, slightly past that age of young and foolish, and closer to should be getting my shit together, I feel so out of touch with that person I was supposed to be. It has been said that the fastest way to be who you want to be is to surround yourself with people who already are. I have been lucky enough to have met people leading the life I'd Love to lead. Doing the things I'd Love to do. But they scare me. I have no idea why. I wonder if it's an issue I've always grappled with of being good enough. A very deep seated issue that I've come to accept will always be a program I'll have running in the background. I wonder how people get from the thinking to the being and doing stage cos I'm just so stuck and blind. It feels like a part of my brain is just gimped.

I also wonder if everything just came together because they were all on the same grid. Well I suppose they did....all on the same disc. It's pretty scary how being in a serious relationship could really mess up all the energy grid work one had been doing before. It's pretty scary how a toxic relationship can mess it all up. I didn't realise how much of myself I had compromised. Actually it occurred to me often enough that I wasn't doing a lot of things I usually would've been doing had I been on my own. I found myself compromising a lot more than I would've (and spending waaay more on food and electricity as well than if I were on my own, and even having to compromise on quality cos I couldn't afford for two! I used to be able to save half my allowance but that guy sucked my savings dry and he never knew and prolly never will). But I told myself things like it was OK, I didn't feel the urge to do these things and also well the sacrifices were worth it. I wonder if I should've been more selfish and more willing to rock the boat. But I wanted to treat him how I wanted to be treated. I also really thought the sacrifices were either worth it or didn't feel like sacrifices at all. Turns out I was wrong. I've been trying for the past two and a half years trying to find my compass. It wasn't that bad until I realised I'd also lost myself half way in..and then I lost my higher self late last year early this year. Boy was that a ride...to suddenly realise how not tough I am. To suddenly realise that I had not dealt with the previous year's trauma as well as I'd believed and to have the repercussions show up in the weirdest most psycho reactions to shit. Reactions and thoughts that felt foreign and strange... scary, abrupt and with my usual comforting better judgment nowhere near.

I have been having short reprieves where it feels like I've returned but it's not the same anymore. I'm surprised it took so little to leave all these cracks on me. I have been trying the past half year to be whole again. But I can't seem to trust my judgment very much at the moment. It surprises me when certain fantastic moments of grid filling in happen, like finding out the company I applied to from a job aims to be exactly like what I've been asking for and other happy coincidences. But it just still feels different. It still feels like happy face sticker on empty fuel gauge. I guess I'll just really have to ride this out cos it'll be over soon. And this new momentum I've been working on can start to take over.

Perhaps it's time to start a blog on things that interest me so I have somewhere and something to more positively focus my energies on. Now I just have to think about what.

. Gratitude, excitement, anticipation .

Today, I am grateful for signs that my instincts are reliable, that I'm well taken care of. Despite the bumps and crazy moodswings, my boat is pointed in the right direction and I'm floating down the river, oars free from their holds long ago. Maybe we can meet further down the river, share what we discovered and revel in the view.

There is a nervousness which I am detecting. I suppose it's alright. After all, the signposts indicate clearly that -that- is downstream. So either way, I'm getting there. In the meantime, I just focus on my vibes.

I'm getting there.

. Ignorance or denial? Either way, neither is bliss .

Most times you just can't help the feelings, as sick as you feel of them, coming over and over like waves washing ashore. And the thoughts...often the thoughts, the questions, and then the feelings. And if you have silly sensibilities like mine, you will want to indulge...can't really help but indulge and feel confused. Until you realise you're indulging and then you get sick of it and wonder why you're so silly. Bring out the pity party. I do wish I was more sensible. I do envy the more pragmatic folks who can compartmentalise easier perhaps...well...they do something and just somehow don't feel the intensity, or are able to see these feelings in all their silly glory and pish posh them aside, easy peasy.

But I'm not one of those people. I try my best to be. It's a wonderful life they seemingly lead. I can only imagine of course. (And people so often tell me I am. But really, with the stupidity that goes on in my head, I wonder how much they're lying, and/or how deluded with love for me they are, or perhaps how well I act.) And having silly sensibilities, I pooh-pooh others during their silly moments...moments when I feel the complete unnecessariness of the silliness and am able to pish posh them aside. Then I fall into one of them and get reminded again why I should be less judgemental. And get reminded how stupidly judgemental I can be. Oh dear. Silly cycle.

And then I attempt to stop myself. Sometimes I succeed. Most times I just wonder if I must be blind and deluded like the other blind deluded people I rant about. How can it be that just a few paltry short months can have such an effect to last all those years. But then the worst was the couple of isolated days after, with the "explanations" and "apologies". Always the apologies that I buy so easily and the hope I unwillingly want to give up. I blindly cling onto. Why do I keep beating a dead horse? My pragmatic side can clearly see how dead it is, but that other side...that other side that buys it all... it refuses to believe that the words, the exchanges, the moments and connections weren't true at all; perhaps it's pride that wants to keep the horse alive so that I would not be the fool that kept beating the dead horse. But it is also pride that says fuck it man...it's a dead horse!

How much of a fool am I, really? And if I am a huge, huge fool, does that make you a giant bastard? Or is it really just all my own foolish doing?

Either way, I really do not know how to be the better person. I do not know how to do this with the peace and magnanimity of the grown-up, well-adjusted, loving, sensible person with foresight and fairness. I wish I did, especially with the peace and love and acceptingness shit but I don't. All I can do is regard you with suspicion, blame you in my head and wonder about the extent of my delusion. I actually feel really small about it. And if what you said is true, maybe you might feel it too. But if it's not, balls to me for being such a fool. Because after all that, unfortunately for me, I still have a great...um...love? fondness?...well.....a nice feelingness.... for you. A tenderness if you will, you bloody bastard. She said, "yeah so show you know what's going on, you acknowledge that; but you don't give a flying fuck anymore. you really don't care,".

Great advice I thought. Ah, but I do care.

It's the foolish sensibilities.

What can I do to make this better? To bring myself some peace?

Strange how sometimes the briefest moments (in comparison to life's entirety) can leave such indelible marks. Yet, come to think of it, I have now known (of) you for over a half decade. You bloody bastard.


I don't see myself permanently ending this foolishness anytime soon. But for now, I shall cease to beat the drum. For now, just for now. At least for now.




Edit: The foolishness finally did end, so naturally, all on its own, with so much relief, Sept 2018.

. Citrus Cream Cheese Frosting topped Lemon Tea Jello filled Earl Grey Cupcakes.

(My first picture upload in years yay!)

This is this
Everything was lovely, but I'll need to cut a big hole in the centre of the cake instead and fill with the jello. Also, I'll need to chill the cakes first before I fill. Perhaps even freeze them slightly. And perhaps I'll also need to chill the jello slightly so they're slightly solid.

The frosting was

1 pkg cream cheese
1/5 (or so) unsalted softened butter
Orange and lemon zest
2 cups sugar

Next time, a pinch of salt.

. Naivete is a dangerous thing .

A siren beckoned and her song was sweet.
The stormy sea he paid no heed.
Dashed his ship across her rocks
Proffered his sails to make her a frock.
A willing sacrifice, one of many he made.
A siren cooed across a stormy sea.
In her song he reveled, cocooned in her words
A promise of the sun.
Seductive, golden, silken sweet.
Gilted, urgent. Undeniably.
Undeniable need?
Pushy, manipulative.
Glinting, a warning.
His realisation too late.
A siren beckoned mellifluous and honeyed across a stormy sea.
A siren.
A siren you dumbass.

. ...Some Cake with Peanut Butter in it .

So maybe a Reese's cup inspired cupcake?
A chocolate cake with a peanut butter centre, and a peanut butter cream cheese frosting.
The peanut butter will be home made. Ground peanuts (till creamy) with salt and honey/sugar/maple syrup/palm sugar and maybe vanilla?

Method 1

Enclose a dollop of pb in melted chocolate then freeze? So these are made maybe the day before.
After making chocolate cake batter, put a dollop into each cupcake wrapper and push a piece of home made Reese's piece into e relative centre and cover with another dollop of batter.

Method 2

Dollop cake batter, dollop pb into centre, fill the rest with batter. Bake. Cool. Frosting.


Frosting
Not sure if I can combine this home made peanut butter with cream cheese
1 1/4 cup smooth, creamy pb
1 pkg cream cheese
Vanilla extract
125g softened unsalted butter
4 cups brown or palm sugar (well-blended)
2-3 tbs milk or heavy cream.

or
Two Chicks from the Stick's
6 tbs unsalted butter
1/2 cup creamy smooth pb
4 cups brown or palm sugar (well-blended)
Pinch of salt
6 tbs heavy cream or milk

(Frosting for 4 dozen cupcakes. So maybe we can take it down a notch eh?)

After!

. Recipe Idea - Lemon Tea Jello Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting .

Here's another reason why I absolutely love my cousin (not that I've ever mentioned it here before, but he is one of my favourite persons in the world). Brainstorming recipes with him tonight, about what I'm going to make for him when he gets back (he has a standing order, unlimited use, to request any baked goods and I will make em for him because he is darling).

He wants something with peanut butter and something with jelly but not pbj haha
So I asked him what flavour jello and told him I'm thinking of flavour combinations. And bless the dear! Lemon Tea he throws out! And of course I exclaimed as my brain juices started flowing! Lovely hot tea to mix with lemon jello. This will be poured into an Earl Grey tea cake ridden with holes (nice big ones made fr a straw perhaps or a big fork twisted, not poked to the bottom). A cake or a cupcake....haven't decided. And then he said and a cream cheese frosting! Genius! The flavours will go together perfectly! And I shall add lemon zest to the cake as I have done before....or orange zest to the cream cheese, ala my Earl Grey cupcakes (which is another story I haven't written about. Hmm long story short, I don't take to having many kitchen helpers very well). Probably the cream cheese.
And yes! They shall be cupcakes (cos easier hahaha)! In my ducky wrappers! Or my floral ones (cos *affected accent* Earl Grey cupcakes Sir?).

. Moisture substitutes in cakes, and other ideas about matcha cake and homemade white chocolate .

Instead of milk for cakes.....
So I won't forget...

• Cream cheese
• Butter milk
• Sour cream
• Yoghurt

Yet to be testeds...

• Mascarpone
• Apple puree
• Ricotta (might create grainy texture)
• Heavy cream
• Heavy cream + ricotta

Feel like using our packet of matcha in a cake. Maybe use the cocoa butter and turn that into white chocolate, caramelise that white chocolate, add cream and have that with the matcha cake. Make 2 batches - one with proper white chocolate and the other with browned white chocolate. Or layer them.....oooooh the possibilities.

Recipe ideas for white chocolate

White chocolate requires cocoa butter, a sweetener, milk solids and vanilla. There are so many different combinations that could be made.

I think I remember reading that there shouldn't be any water, but I'm not sure if vanilla extract would cause the cocoa butter to seize. So,

Sweeteners:
- Sugar: muscovado sugar, coconut sugar, palm sugar/gula melaka, maple sugar
- Honey
- Maple syrup

 Milk solids:
- Milk powder,
- Coconut milk powder

Vanilla:
- Vanilla bean paste
- Vanilla seeds

Wonder if I should buy a candy thermometer.

When you bask and appreciate and love life AROUND the things that aren't perfect for you in every moment,
so that you let what IS working be the basis of the reason you offer your
vibration,then what happens is that you are frequently in the vortex where the accommodation of all who are involved.
We're not kidding you about this.
You can have everything you want without depriving anyone else of anything, because you live in a balanced enough Universe that everything that you want is easily accomodateable by those who surround your object of attention.
But unless you get in the vortex where who you really are and what you
really want is, you will not see the path. You will not be there at the
right time. You will not be a vibrational match to the unfolding that
allows the unfolding to give you what you want.
When you let this Vibrational Reality play a bigger role in the vibration
that is you, what happens is, you match up, not just with the Source YOU who you have helped become, but you match up with all the circumstances and events that have already been assembled.
We want to say to you that in this vortex of creation that have already been assembled, all the cooperative components have already been assembled. The cooperative components for the absolute fulfillment of everything you've asked for, as far as you have been able to ask.
The question we want to help you ask and answer is: Are you a compatible component to your own desires?
And if you are ornery, the answer is NO!
If you are worried, the answer is NO!
If you are overwhelmed, the answer is NO!
You've got to be in the vicinity of hope and up - hope, belief, love,
knowing, joy. You've got to be in the vicinity of that to really be in the
vortex where what looks like magic to those outside the vortex is happening.
It's not magic, it's natural!
It's not magic, it's LIFE!
It's what LAW says it must be.
1/9/10 San Diego
ABRAHAM-HICKS

"and i thought i'd add....it is ok to be where you currently are. that it's ok to not be in those super positive emotions and its ok always always ok to be wherever u are as long as u know that u're always rising."

" i just wanted to say
those films/movies/plays/events that need to be directed and created are desiring you. i don't know why but something tells me to tell u not to chase after desires u feel are out of your reach cos the ones that are suited to you are chasing after you. that you need to just BE.
i think our ibs are sending us a msg now. hoho"

. Reminder .

Looking through the history of a conversation between a dear friend and myself and saw this snippet I posted. I think I need this reminder again. It is relevant and it is beautiful. But most importantly, it is another foothold to climbing back up to Remembering and Being ME again.

What you are wanting to do is influence someone into the Vortex but all
you can do is get in there yourself.
You cannot influence someone in the Vortex from outside the Vortex and
when more people come to understand that there will be a lot more miracles going on, you see.
Think about it from your own perspective just for a moment. Imagine that you are the one who is sick and someone is holding you as their object of attention and they so know everything. They know, they know you are sick but they know you are asking for wellness in a stronger way than you ever did before and they are fixated upon your wellness and celebrating the wellness result already. And now they’re
looking at you but they’re knowing, they’re knowing you here. Think how that would feel to you. Think how that would feel.
Now, have someone walk in who sees you and is worried about you. And is playing stupid games with you to try and distract you from your worry. You get a sense of what we are talking about?
In other words, feel how it feels when someone knows your strength or
when someone knows your weakness. You ever have anyone criticize you? How does it feel? How does it feel when someone focuses upon some lack in you and gives it your undivided attention? You feel the diminishment of their gaze, you see. And think about how it
feels when someone looks at you and just knows your value, just knows it, you see. But you got to practice knowing it.
Most people only know what they observe, so well children make them feel one way and sick children make them feel another, and what this child is saying to you, the whole reason for this experience, this powerful teacher coming forth, is to say, you gotta find a way of looking at me that makes you feel good and don’t ask me to be it first. So, if you have access to this child where you could have a conversation, what you would say, hey thanks for waking me up.
I was looking at you like you are instead of like you REALLY are.
Chicago 2009, CD No. 4, Track 6, 2:36 - end

I am truly thankful for this relationship I have with this dear friend of mine.  Two friends that I have with birthdays on the same date. One wonderfully darling, the other a chronic and throbbing bitterness derived from brief (very), intense (somewhat) bouts of sweetness. Yet both have been serving the same purpose of growth and Remembering. It will be nice to one day not need the bitter. It would be really nice. Because I wonder about the vibes I put out on days where my psyche is a little weaker and when I'm caught off-guard. But on better days, it provides fuel to strive for improvement, betterment, even if only for distraction.

I will eventually find my way out of this cloud for good and I will once again reclaim my light and once again be clear enough to be a conduit for Source wisdom to shine through for others and myself, to help illuminate other people's light switches so they can reclaim their light too.
And this whole episode will serve as more fuel for a brighter light.

. Brown Butter Cupcakes .

Note to self: don't use yoghurt as a substitute. Sour taste overpowers the browned butter. Perhaps mascarpone next time. Recipe follows kiwi cupcakes. However, half of the butter is taken to be browned while half is creamed with light muscovado sugar. Is there a dark one? If so, next time I'll try that. Maybe caramelise the sugar while browning the butter. Also as with all recipes now,  yolks and whites are separated.

. The Search For Passion .

What is the work you can't not do?

How To Find And Do Work You Love: Scott Dinsmore at TEDxGoldenGatePark

I don't really know how I'm doing.
Kinda feel like a squeaky toy with a broken squeaker. I really miss being who I really am, the person I normally am. Sometimes she appears. But when she goes, she goes much farther than I can bear.

I didn't realise quite how fragile I am. Really thought I was a stronger person. People have gone through a lot worse than I have and come through looking unscathed, come through stronger.

I didn't expect that half a year of a nightmare and the few months after that of emotional abuse to have such a lasting effect on me. Perhaps I already was still healing; vulnerable. I'd hate to think I really were that weak. I actually thought I'd dealt really well. But then the really weird thoughts started coming. Really weird thoughts and feelings. Thoughts and feelings that I couldn't recognise, that couldn't possibly be mine. Who do they belong to? Return to sender. I bar you from coming back. Kinda symptoms of PTSD. Nuts. How can I go from days of being so happy and feeling normal to suddenly so low and on the verge of tears. This is not me.

I thought the cloud had lifted and I was myself again. But it seems to only have been a temporary reprieve. The disjointedness appears at random moments.
Who does this belong to? Return to sender.
I release and refuse all connections to others that do not raise my vibrations.
Return to sender.

I really don't know what's going on in here. I can see why people can agree to getting their brains scrambled with electricity. I can tolerate this confusion now but anymore and, yep, can totally see why a person would agree to getting scrambled brains.




"Your shoes fall apart because your foundation is falling apart"....maybe my foundations were weak sauce and need demolishing so I can build better, stronger foundations.

. Life Musings .

It's tough to be a parent of a young child weak with the flu. But I believe it's tougher to be an adult child of a parent weak with the flu.
As the parent, you know your young child will only get stronger as the years go by and these bouts of weakness will get less and less.
As the adult child, you know these bouts will not get less and less.

Sitting here, listening to my 62 (and 2 days!) year old mum trying to sleep while wracked with coughs, I can't help but feel a little blue and perhaps a little melodramatic.

This, to me, is the worst thing about growing up.

Knowing mortality.

. Brain Entrainment .

Trying this program out today.
An interesting note: when I yawn or do whatever to increase the pressure in my ears, the beats sound like they speed up and slow down immediately when I stop. So fun.
Also a great cure for a hangover.

. She .

"She has a natural beauty about her, like a glow, a charm radiating from within. Maybe it’s because she’s at peace with herself and the world. She has that “je ne sais quoi”. It’s a magical quality about her, this peace that emanates from her. She often feels like a light, effervescent bubbling stream and yet you’d sense at the same time the sea in her – the depth; the silence; the quiet power that could at a moment’s notice, whip right up from a clear blue, sparkling, inviting sea, to a dark teal grey storm. And while you can have fun, riding with her as she generously churns out wave after barrelling wave; you know she’s not one to trifle with. You know that you’d better give her, her due respect, or else, watch out! You know that she has total control of herself and her destiny. She’s like the clear blue sea that you go snorkelling in and you look down, and it seems like the ground is just there, within reach, but as you swim towards it, and you keep swimming, you realise it’s not what it seems. It’s beautiful how she reveals it all to you but you have to really dive right in to realise her depth.. Sometimes, when I’m with her, it feels like I’m in the company of Earth Mother herself. She is at once, girlish innocence and mischief; and wise sensual, sensuous woman."

Whenever I look back
On the best days of my life
I think I saw them all on T.V.
I am so homesick now for
Someone that I never knew
I am so homesick now for
Someplace I will never be

Time won't let me go
Time won't let me go
If I could do it all again
I'd go back and change -->everything
But time won't let me go

I never had a 'Summer of 69'
Never had a Cherry Valance of my own
All these precious moments
You promised me would come in time
So where was I when I missed mine?

Time won't let me go
Time won't let me go
If you gave me back those years
I'd do it all better I swear
Time won't let me go

If I could go back once again
I would change everything, yeah
If I could go back once again
I'd do it all so much better

Time won't let me go
Time won't let me go
If I could do it all again
I'd go back and change -->everything
But you won't ever let me go


oh well

. Hello! Buttermilk! .

Well, it's been a while.

I've moved back home and it's taken a while for me to get used to equipment and humidity here re: baking. I believe I'm getting back on my feet.
Baked 2 cakes recently, from the Little Teochew's blog. I bought buttermilk on a whim and also because I was craving pound cake and had the idea of possibly trying buttermilk out in cake. So Google led me to the Little Teochew's links below:

http://www.thelittleteochew.com/2012/03/lemon-buttermilk-pound-cake.html
and
http://www.thelittleteochew.com/2012/04/chocolate-buttermilk-cake-again.html

I know I didn't follow the recipes to a T (as I usually do, out of habit), and can't really remember what I changed up (cept subbing 1/4 or so cup of  Bailey's for the rum in the latter cake; and increasing the measurements of everything but the sugar, to use up ingredients) but they both turned out pretty magnifique. So I believe the cat might have finally landed on her feet.

Tomorrow, I find out if the chocolate cake managed to stay soft, moist and luscious.

No pictures because I really suck at doing justice to the food, and also I'm lazy.

Update: The cakes were absolutely luscious. The chocolate chunks which I added also gave lovely solid little chocolatey velvety crunches. Big brother chided me for him just absolutely having to gorge his face on cake because he just could not stop himself. Lovely =)

. Honey Cupcakes/ Cookie Batter .

1 1/3 cup plain flour minus 2 1/2 tbsp

2 1/2 tbsp corn flour

1 tsp baking powder

1 tsp salt

125g butter

1-2tbsp honey

2/3 cup sugar

2 eggs

1/2 cup sour cream

Dash of coffee essence

Vanilla essence

180deg....

Timing = ??? Maybe about 20 mins or so

Makes a crusty cupcake but might've been the semi unmelted butter chunks

Might make good cookie batter

Excellent topped with Betty Crocker Chocolate Fudge Icing

. what i love about her .

for mother's day, mother's mother's day.

her amusing quirks
her insane lvls of vanity...

• having a mirror by her side at the hospice to make sure she always looked pretty...even at the age of 93.
• wanting to get plastic surgery to laser off her liver spots on her face...since forever...up till now.
• insisting my mum buy the correct compact powder for her...my last memory of this was when she was about 80 plus.

her obsession with jewellery and shopping which i totally inherited
her long-lasting youth...even at 80 plus she used to say "Next time when I'm old......"
her shy smile when u wanna take a picture of her
how she told me not to make her wait so long and to come back quickly when i was leaving after my visit home during my summer break
how she's always so particular and fussy about her food taste and water temperature
and her da pi ku!
her feistiness
how she walks like a 2 or 3 yr old toddler...upright, belly out, legs lifted high
her amazing talents as a domestic goddess....her crochet skills which she never managed to impart to me cos we just couldn't understand each other....her unbelievable cooking skills, her beadwork (never got to see but heard of)
her strength and resilience through her growing up years, her marriage, everything...
her stubbornness

her grumpiness

her over-frugality/hoarders obsession...like bugging my mum, when i was young to keep away most of my underwear and only leave out a few cos it's not good to let a child have so much choice...lol

her bugging me for the longest time that i should have my hair cut really short. that little girls look much better with short hair....until she realised i was as stubborn as she was.

her love for us even though she complains a lot, nitpicks a lot, could be super unreasonable...but she loves us

Her apt, CNY 2008, pottering right before the arrival of the hoi polloi

Lim Cheng Kheng, born 4-12-1917, crossed over 17-1-2012.
Dearly missed and deeply loved, every single fucking day.

An update, 8 April 2013:
When I think about her, I think about her strength, her crazy talents, and her humility. I think about the pain she went through, blind to the realisation of her Greatness, her beauty. I think about her big heart, her love, her self-sacrifice and caring; and the little child inside her just crying out for love and recognition; and the cancerous bitterness, indignation and self-loathing that prevented her from receiving what she deserved....all that love...all that recognition... which were well and truly present....not from all, but from some. At least till the last few weeks of her life. I'm glad she felt it. I'm glad she realised. I'm glad she was willing to receive. And I'm glad she afforded me the opportunity to witness her miracle, to share so deeply, to be a part of her last few moments...., And above all, to choose me, to share; between the both of us, that very last moment.

Dearly missed and deeply loved, with immense gratitude and the highest respect, every single fucking day.

. vortexy .

that feeling that comes when you know something is just right for you....
that's what i'm feeling right now
inspiration comes when i least expect it and i think my best artwork is created when i'm doodling on "not the good piece of paper"

i've wanted a tattoo since i was maybe 16 or 17. And I told myself, if i still wanted one when i hit 25, i'd get one.
but it had to be meaningful and unique
and i've got one
i can guarantee of the 6 over billion people in the world, no one has come up with a design as such.

it's a design of symbol of myself, encompassing love, music, spirituality, peace, growth, rebirth, abundance, even a symbolism for being a Virgo, enlightenment, sacredness. fluidity, unity, balance, the feminine aspect, in so many ways, over and over these themes just manage to be represented by the curves, lines....
you can even find the letter N in it.
it started out with the letter n anyway
it's almost perfect...just requires a few adjustments here and there...work out the kinks a little and it'll be good to go.
Now i just need to find someone talented enough to help me finalise it and deliver it.
Seeing as how this symbol was delivered from within, I'll trust that, that tattooist has been delivered as well.
Placement.....back....or front...... Back will not be stretched and will be untouched. Front will be interesting to see how it morphs with each child. They'll each leave their mark on it. =)
I think I quite like that. But we'll see....

I said gnite at 330. Spent an hour listening to incubus...and allowing myself to just float along... An hour and a half just drawing, researching, getting inspiration...then wham! And half an hour refining.

love u inner self! love the inspiration that comes fast and furious, most deliciously from within.

I'm floating down the river....oars free from their holds long ago....maybe we can meet further down the river...we'll share what we've discovered, and revel in the view

. Housemate's bday cupcakes...sorta .

Same recipe as the lemon kiwi cupcakes which were turned into the honey grape ones
but sub half a pack of cream cheese for the fruits.
And 1 and a half tbsps of honey

"I'm not going to hold you responsible for the way I feel. You are free to behave in whatever way, because I am an exerciser of unconditional love."

Then you can say, "The relationship that is supremely important to me is the relationship between me and ME. And when I get that into alignment, you're going to have a really good time with me.

Because when I hook up with that Source energy, you're going to be loved like you've never been loved. You're going to be appreciated like you've never been appreciated . You're going to be uplifted like you've never been uplifted. And you are off the hook, because I take responsibility for how I feel."

Imagine how a relationship based on that would be!

playin around on a transoceanic video call with the dear one.

his guitar, my guitar.

our own tunes

and some lyrics

if you asked, we'll never tell you what it's about. so have fun guessing.

it's not that straightforward

what you glean from it, is only your projection
in your case, I’d call it mass projection
what you gleaned from the superficial, is nothing but superficial.
and if it's worth your while, you really should look beneath
just too bad it wasn't enough
and all we're left with is a deep paper cut
so we'll never know, now would we

and i'll still remain, perfectly incomplete

maligned?

whatever

Sorry my first reaction placates
Sorry my first feeling was absent
i'm sorry i couldn't react fast enough
and i'm sorry that now that i'm unnumbed


i can't call you
won't
tell you how i feel now.
give you my missing chance
I’d like to promise that we’ll talk
Eventually
just not right now
But why bother?

I’ll always be
Perfectly incomplete
Perfectly, complete.

really want to go to unihill.
i need new clothes.
new jeans
and a leather jacket
and some nice non tee-shirt tops/camis
coupla skirts, and leggings

. ignorance is bliss .

the longer i live here, the more i feel i don't know enough of home
i know that people complain a lot about home. but i'm pretty sure it has great potential and lots to work with. and lots to work on.

Let's dance in style let's dance for a while
Heaven can wait we're only watching the skies
Hoping for the best but expecting the worst
Are you gonna drop the bomb or not?

Let us die young let us live forever
We don't have the power but we never say never
Sitting in the sandpit life is a short trip
The music's for the sad man

May the best of your todays, be the worst of your tomorrows, but we aint even thinking that far, ya know wha I mean?

So we live a life like a video
When the sun is always out and you never get old
and the champagne’s always cold
and the music is always good
and the pretty girls just happen to stop by in the hood
and they hop their pretty ass up on the hood of dat pretty ass car
without a wrinkle in today
cuz there is no tomorrow
just some picture perfect day
to last a whole lifetime
and it never ends
cos all we have to do is hit rewind
so lets just stay in the moment, smoke some weed,
drink some wine,
reminisce talk some shit forever young is in your mind
leave a mark that can’t erase neither space nor time
so when the director yells cut,
I’ll be fine,
I’m forever young…

. reviews! .

So far 2 people have eaten my honey strawberry greengrape cupcakes

1st person said
"But I won't lie to u. These are the best cupcakes in the world. So good I ate the paper too... Omg u should start ur own bakery. omg. I'm leaving cause I won't be able to control myself."

2nd person said
"Mmm these are good. Omg they're seriously putting a huge smile on my face. Man I rate them 5/5"

. honey, strawberry and green grape cupcake .

same recipe as kiwi-lemon cupcakes but i subbed the kiwis with some strawberries and some green grapes. left out about 1/16th of the sugar and added 2 heaped tsps of honey.

while the cupcakes were baking....my god....the aroma of the honey was unbelievable. it was heavenly! Almost cloying (i was wondering if i'd put too much honey but it was just right), almost tangible
honestly, the smell was almost intoxicating and i have no idea how to describe it in a way that wud do it justice. one of those, "you had to be there" moments

and now my hair smells lovely =)

the cake(s) i ate was sooo moist and fluffy and the honey added such a lovely delicate crust. mmmmmmm

gotta thank my housemate for suggesting honey
in a moment of temporary amnesia, i wasn't wanting to add it in at first cos i wasn't sure of the measurements, then remembered who i really am and did it the usual 'just whack' way

everything about you is how i'd wanna be
your freedom comes naturally
everything about you resonates happiness
now i won't settle for less

give me all the peace and joy in your mind

everything about you pains my envying
your soul can't hate anything
everything about you is so easy to love
they're watching you from above

give me all the peace and joy in your mind
i want the peace and joy in your mind
give me the peace and joy in your mind

everything about you resonates happiness
now i won't settle for less

give me all the peace and joy in your mind
i want the peace and joy in your mind
give me the peace and joy in your mind


Muse - Bliss

i like being up early
i just don't like the waking up bit

. floundering .

It's officially the 2nd wk of this H yr, though truthfully, the work started in Jan.
Along with it came the stress of being someone I don't feel I am. I mean...c'mon, if you knew me from yrs ago, you'd never have expected me to last this long doin a degree like this, much less goin this far with all its research n stats and "on the ball"isms and crap like that. omgkillmenow.
I've been havin to meet wi my lecturer more or less every wk since 3rd wk of Jan or so. And since our 1st convo early Jan, I'd been trying to gear up and be disciplined enough to do some semblance of work...if not daily then at least weekly. But it's not been happening. And everytime I near our meetings, and everytime I try to get an article in my head, I ask myself, wtf am I doing? why aren't I using the 10grand to travel. Well ok, granted, that 10grand ain't mine. But seriously, wtf am I doing? What am I trying to prove to myself? I've already proven I can stick it out doing a science degree. Should I really be trying to prove to myself that I can go this far? I could I guess, but I'm finding the older I grow, the less I'm tolerating shit I don't enjoy or particularly care for. Which is mostly awesome for me, not so much the people around me. And then I get this feeling I know how a newly-caught bird feels in its cage.

I stay in this course because I tell myself that I really am interested in this stuff. I really am interested in how the mind works. But we haven't yet hit the sweet spot...the really intriguing stuff and maybe if I stuck around long enough, I could turn my back on this with certainty and close this chapter. But if I'm already deciding to close this chapter then why am I still waiting around? Just for the certainty? Life isn't ever certain so why waste another year? For the experience? I know it's gonna be an enriching year. Hell I get excited everytime I hear my course coordinators talk about the year ahead (twice so far) but then I leave the lecture halls, come home for a nap (cos they both started way too early in the morning) and that's the end of my excitement and motivation. Then of course there's the possibility of finally validating my interest in this subject. But while I'd often said in the past that I was interested in being a counselor, I'm now tired. So very tired, of listening to everyone's problems and trying to help them. Now all I want to do is slap them all across their faces or bang their heads against walls and then tell them to go find some other poor sod who'd listen to their whinings. Or whine to a blog. Like I'm doing right now. Honestly! These girls and their friggin relationship problems (and obvious masochistic tendencies)! Or these people and their insecurities! Stop it already! I have my own set of problems to deal with! If you wanna come whine to me, at least be willing to take my advice or jus SOD OFF! And anyway, I'm not that great at it...hell I couldn't even get a friend's bf to realise he's paranoid without almost losing it at him.
"You're just too insecure and paranoid and you need to get over that."
"I know I'm paranoid but I know the truth too."
"Do you even know what paranoia is?"
"Yes I do but I also know that she's lying to me"
-_- Yes he does indeed know what paranoia is. Oh yes. It means being intuitively attuned to knowing the truth. No dickhead. It's not intuition. It's paranoia.

So I guess this counselling gig is off. What else can I embark on? There's so little time now to learn skills and explore! Hell I'm already at that age where once in a while I see that biological clock's countdown. I sure as hell don't want kids now. But we all know how hard time slams you on the head as it whizzes past you.

Years ago, I looked forward to the future and its limitless potential, endless possibilities with little restrictions and all the time in the world yadayada. It really didnt feel too long ago. But now that I've counted the years. Wtf.

I'm afraid I feel like I'm at the end of that eagerbeaver wide-eyed excitement. Now, once in a while (like now) I just get hit with pangs of anxiety and the image of the death sentence of mediocrity with bursting bubbles of dreams and it's getting harder to ignore with my usual bright-eyed optimism. It's like I've waited too long to light those fireworks and now they'll either be unlightable, or the sparks just won't be so grand anymore.

I've never felt more like giving up on anything than I do this.

Help!

Help me get back into my Vortex!

we learn as we go and we make our decisions along the way
you can't undo what has gone before
be as you'll be and i'll choose to feel how i feel
i don't need you to be different for me to feel good
one's happiness should not have to depend on another's restraint
Fun now! Doesn't matter!

. floating down the river, oars free from their holds long ago .

Maybe we can meet further down the river. We'll share what we've discovered and revel in the view

"What if you realise that everything that's happening TO you is really happening FOR you(, for your greater good)?" Tony Robbins

The 2 most important msgs:

A feeling of vulnerability, and expectation of bad things happening, is the reason that bad things happen. That feeling produces the physical evidence of bad things happening. As physical beings, you put the emphasis upon the bad things that have happened. You stack up this 'evidence' and use it against yourself, causing your negative expectation to grow larger and larger. If instead, you will put the emphasis upon what really caused the bad things to happen - your thought and feeling of negative expectation - then the evidence would not loom so large. You would see it only as the physical manifestation of your thought rather than the threatening thing it seemed before.

When you see negative evidence for what it really is - temporary evidence created by you, drawn by you and experienced by you - you can let go out of the same door it came in: It got in by your thought and feeling. Change your thought, and your feeling will change - and it will leave your experience.

From your action oriented physical perspective, the physical creation - or evidence - holds more weight in your system of beliefs than it deserves - or the evidence was created from thought.

Change the thought and the evidence will vanish.

Abraham-Hicks, A New Beginning II, P 126

Hold in your mind two words, the first word is INCLUSION meaning things I would like to include in my experience. I would like to include abundance, I would like to include wellness, I would like to include vitality, I would like to include oriental rug. Anything that you are wanting to include in your experience INCLUSION .

The other word is EXCLUSION meaning things not wanted. I would like to exclude death, I'd like to exclude sickness I'd like to exclude violence. Exclusion, things NOT wanted.

The thing that we so much want you to hear is that there is no such thing as exclusion, and every time you attempt it all you really do is include in your vibration something you don't want!

You get it don't you. So what happens is you see because you've been trained to exclude, you've been trained to say" Watch out for that" "I don't want that" and all along you're including that thing that you don't want. So when you say "I want more money I don't want debt" you're actually including two contradictory vibrations within your vibration. You get the sense of this?

"satisfied with who I am and eager for more."

. Be not solvers of problems, be dreamers of dreams .

=)

. strawberry creamcheese earlgrey cupcakes with lime creamcheese frosting .

:D

stop infecting me with your overthinking!!!



stop letting yourself get infected with that friggin overthinking!


so bloody annoying.........yuck!

as the cliched saying goes....life is complicated enough without you having to complicate it further. i like the way i deal with people and their silly complications. i don't need you and your tentacles of paranoia getting into my brain and confuzzling everything up.

stupid easily confuzzleable brain of mine.

live in fish water long enough and u start to smell like a fishducking fish.


STOP GETTING INFLUENCED!!!!!!

There are some of you I have to thank, in particular, Ning, Addy & Bren, for your unwavering acceptance, faith and not being hasty in judgement

what is seen, is only superficial
what you glean from it, is only your projection
what you all glean from it might be far from the truth
what you glean from the superficial, is all but superficial.
and if it's worth your while, you really should look beneath
just too bad undercurrents disappear with time
just too bad it wasn't enough
and all you're left with is is just a papercut
so we'll never know, now would we
and i'll still remain, confused, unsatisfied
and yes
maligned
i'm sorry that my first reaction is to placate the other
i'm sorry that my first feeling was that of numbness
i'm sorry i couldn't react fast enough
and i'm sorry that now that i'm not numb
i can't call you and tell you exactly how i feel now.
wrong timing
but i promise you that i will talk to you about it
just not right now

The man who goes alone can start today;
but he who travels with another
must wait till that other is ready.

Thoreau

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, And you learn that love doesn't mean leaving and company doesn't mean security, And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises, And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child, And you learn to build your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans, After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure...That you really are strong And you really do have worth.

-Veronica A. Snoffstall-

i managed to catch today's episode of the WB series, Privileged on Fox8. It's episode 10.
i completely identify with megan's way of thinking re: dating.

. raisin & mint choc bits cookies .

125g butter
1 cup of brown sugar and granulated sugar mix (mostly brown sugar)
1 large egg
¼ cup milk
2 tsp vanilla essence
1 ¾ flour
½ tsp bs
½ tsp bp
½ tsp salt
1 ½ tsp instant coffee
1 cup raisins (or however much you want)
1 ½ cup choc chips (or however much you want. I didn’t have choc chips so I cut up a block of some couverture chocolate and the remaining cubes of mint choc that my housemate had lying around
Optional:
Almond essence
Cinnamon sugar for dusting

1. Preheat oven to 180C.
2. Sift flour, bs, bp and salt.
3. Cream butter wi sugars till fluffy approx 30secs
4. Beat in egg and vanilla extract for another 30 secs till well combined. Stir in milk/
5. Beat power into butter about 15 secs low speed till just combined. Stir in rest of ingredients.
6. Roll heaped tbs of batter into balls or drop batter onto baking sheet about 3 inches apart. Press down gently with back of spoon to spread out into a 2 inch circle (if you want)
7. Dust with cinnamon sugar if you want your cookies to come out nice n crunchy/crispy on top.
8. Bake for about 15-20 mins till nicely browned.





(weird photo effect that my computer made while trying to upload this pic. it's supposed to be an accidental <3 -_-="" a="" all="" anyway="" be="" become="" br="" come="" cookie...btw...="" could="" course="" did="" dumbasses="" else="" end="" eyes="" hate="" heart.="" heart="" i="" it="" la="" love="" means="" of="" on="" phrase="" popular="" rant="" real="" retards="" rolls="" s="" shape="" shaped="" sudden="" that="" the="" what="" when="">


I HAVE to say! The mint choc made a really really nice touch!

On another note, I made earl grey cupcakes with orange buttercream icing a coupla weeks ago. Good stuff. A little drama also heh cos a whole slew of people wanted to help me and I'm usually a 1 woman show when it comes to baking so I had to think of stuff that they could do and got a little distracted. Also, my butter didn't soften as much as I'd hoped it would (darn u cold weather!) so it was really hard to cream. Whilst my fren's bf was creaming the butter with his MANLY STRENGTH I decided to try a little trick of Mummy's by separating the yolks and the white and beating the whites till stiff.
So after I mixed everything together, the batter looked a little not runny which was strange, but me being a little harried n stuff went "meh" and put the cupcakes into the oven. Then realised I didnt mix in the damn whites -_-
Thank goodness there was some left over batter waiting to be distributed into my pretty pink disney princesses cupcake liners (which I bought for my fren's bf hahaha...pwetty pink for u sir!)

ANyhoo!! Despite all the drama, the cakes turned out really yum! Coulda done with more earl grey. Might try it out again next time. Who knows? The only recipe I've done more than once was the lavender cookies.

And Lyshe, I'll try to bother to put up pictures. But they're really nothing to look at. They kinda look like mini steamed Chinese egg cakes. The kind you see at Chinese New Year.