we learn as we go and we make our decisions along the way
you can't undo what has gone before
be as you'll be and i'll choose to feel how i feel
i don't need you to be different for me to feel good
one's happiness should not have to depend on another's restraint
Fun now! Doesn't matter!

. floating down the river, oars free from their holds long ago .

Maybe we can meet further down the river. We'll share what we've discovered and revel in the view

"What if you realise that everything that's happening TO you is really happening FOR you(, for your greater good)?" Tony Robbins

The 2 most important msgs:

A feeling of vulnerability, and expectation of bad things happening, is the reason that bad things happen. That feeling produces the physical evidence of bad things happening. As physical beings, you put the emphasis upon the bad things that have happened. You stack up this 'evidence' and use it against yourself, causing your negative expectation to grow larger and larger. If instead, you will put the emphasis upon what really caused the bad things to happen - your thought and feeling of negative expectation - then the evidence would not loom so large. You would see it only as the physical manifestation of your thought rather than the threatening thing it seemed before.

When you see negative evidence for what it really is - temporary evidence created by you, drawn by you and experienced by you - you can let go out of the same door it came in: It got in by your thought and feeling. Change your thought, and your feeling will change - and it will leave your experience.

From your action oriented physical perspective, the physical creation - or evidence - holds more weight in your system of beliefs than it deserves - or the evidence was created from thought.

Change the thought and the evidence will vanish.

Abraham-Hicks, A New Beginning II, P 126

Hold in your mind two words, the first word is INCLUSION meaning things I would like to include in my experience. I would like to include abundance, I would like to include wellness, I would like to include vitality, I would like to include oriental rug. Anything that you are wanting to include in your experience INCLUSION .

The other word is EXCLUSION meaning things not wanted. I would like to exclude death, I'd like to exclude sickness I'd like to exclude violence. Exclusion, things NOT wanted.

The thing that we so much want you to hear is that there is no such thing as exclusion, and every time you attempt it all you really do is include in your vibration something you don't want!

You get it don't you. So what happens is you see because you've been trained to exclude, you've been trained to say" Watch out for that" "I don't want that" and all along you're including that thing that you don't want. So when you say "I want more money I don't want debt" you're actually including two contradictory vibrations within your vibration. You get the sense of this?

"satisfied with who I am and eager for more."

. Be not solvers of problems, be dreamers of dreams .

=)

. strawberry creamcheese earlgrey cupcakes with lime creamcheese frosting .

:D

stop infecting me with your overthinking!!!



stop letting yourself get infected with that friggin overthinking!


so bloody annoying.........yuck!

as the cliched saying goes....life is complicated enough without you having to complicate it further. i like the way i deal with people and their silly complications. i don't need you and your tentacles of paranoia getting into my brain and confuzzling everything up.

stupid easily confuzzleable brain of mine.

live in fish water long enough and u start to smell like a fishducking fish.


STOP GETTING INFLUENCED!!!!!!

There are some of you I have to thank, in particular, Ning, Addy & Bren, for your unwavering acceptance, faith and not being hasty in judgement

what is seen, is only superficial
what you glean from it, is only your projection
what you all glean from it might be far from the truth
what you glean from the superficial, is all but superficial.
and if it's worth your while, you really should look beneath
just too bad undercurrents disappear with time
just too bad it wasn't enough
and all you're left with is is just a papercut
so we'll never know, now would we
and i'll still remain, confused, unsatisfied
and yes
maligned
i'm sorry that my first reaction is to placate the other
i'm sorry that my first feeling was that of numbness
i'm sorry i couldn't react fast enough
and i'm sorry that now that i'm not numb
i can't call you and tell you exactly how i feel now.
wrong timing
but i promise you that i will talk to you about it
just not right now

The man who goes alone can start today;
but he who travels with another
must wait till that other is ready.

Thoreau

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, And you learn that love doesn't mean leaving and company doesn't mean security, And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises, And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child, And you learn to build your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans, After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure...That you really are strong And you really do have worth.

-Veronica A. Snoffstall-

i managed to catch today's episode of the WB series, Privileged on Fox8. It's episode 10.
i completely identify with megan's way of thinking re: dating.

. raisin & mint choc bits cookies .

125g butter
1 cup of brown sugar and granulated sugar mix (mostly brown sugar)
1 large egg
¼ cup milk
2 tsp vanilla essence
1 ¾ flour
½ tsp bs
½ tsp bp
½ tsp salt
1 ½ tsp instant coffee
1 cup raisins (or however much you want)
1 ½ cup choc chips (or however much you want. I didn’t have choc chips so I cut up a block of some couverture chocolate and the remaining cubes of mint choc that my housemate had lying around
Optional:
Almond essence
Cinnamon sugar for dusting

1. Preheat oven to 180C.
2. Sift flour, bs, bp and salt.
3. Cream butter wi sugars till fluffy approx 30secs
4. Beat in egg and vanilla extract for another 30 secs till well combined. Stir in milk/
5. Beat power into butter about 15 secs low speed till just combined. Stir in rest of ingredients.
6. Roll heaped tbs of batter into balls or drop batter onto baking sheet about 3 inches apart. Press down gently with back of spoon to spread out into a 2 inch circle (if you want)
7. Dust with cinnamon sugar if you want your cookies to come out nice n crunchy/crispy on top.
8. Bake for about 15-20 mins till nicely browned.





(weird photo effect that my computer made while trying to upload this pic. it's supposed to be an accidental <3 -_-="" a="" all="" anyway="" be="" become="" br="" come="" cookie...btw...="" could="" course="" did="" dumbasses="" else="" end="" eyes="" hate="" heart.="" heart="" i="" it="" la="" love="" means="" of="" on="" phrase="" popular="" rant="" real="" retards="" rolls="" s="" shape="" shaped="" sudden="" that="" the="" what="" when="">


I HAVE to say! The mint choc made a really really nice touch!

On another note, I made earl grey cupcakes with orange buttercream icing a coupla weeks ago. Good stuff. A little drama also heh cos a whole slew of people wanted to help me and I'm usually a 1 woman show when it comes to baking so I had to think of stuff that they could do and got a little distracted. Also, my butter didn't soften as much as I'd hoped it would (darn u cold weather!) so it was really hard to cream. Whilst my fren's bf was creaming the butter with his MANLY STRENGTH I decided to try a little trick of Mummy's by separating the yolks and the white and beating the whites till stiff.
So after I mixed everything together, the batter looked a little not runny which was strange, but me being a little harried n stuff went "meh" and put the cupcakes into the oven. Then realised I didnt mix in the damn whites -_-
Thank goodness there was some left over batter waiting to be distributed into my pretty pink disney princesses cupcake liners (which I bought for my fren's bf hahaha...pwetty pink for u sir!)

ANyhoo!! Despite all the drama, the cakes turned out really yum! Coulda done with more earl grey. Might try it out again next time. Who knows? The only recipe I've done more than once was the lavender cookies.

And Lyshe, I'll try to bother to put up pictures. But they're really nothing to look at. They kinda look like mini steamed Chinese egg cakes. The kind you see at Chinese New Year.

what would i want if i didn't care what you'd think

. Take the Next Step in Life .

Map out your unique path
Source: California Psychics

One of the biggest challenges we face as people is to remember that life is a journey. While each one of us has our own special strengths and purposes, our time on this earth is not sequentially mapped out. Every choice, or step along the way, is an opportunity to find fulfillment, especially when we are true to ourselves.

Where's the easy road?
We tend to get so wrapped up and stressed out that we forget what we're doing, which can complicate navigating where we are going. Life is demanding, and more often than not, a little bit uncertain. Sometimes, the trials and tribulations of experience are exactly what we need to start us thinking about the path we are on in this life. Just because things may be confusing or challenging now, it doesn't mean that road ahead is going to unfold the same way. Many of us choose to take the hard roads - it's like we believe the greater the struggle, the greater the victory. While there may be some truth in that, we often times make things more complicated than they have to be.

Your life path
It is said that each one of us has a purpose, something we are in this world to do. We tend to think that we are here to achieve that one great thing, whatever it may be. This concept can often cloud our judgment, making us feel that somehow we are doing something wrong, heading in the wrong direction, or simply going nowhere at all. Unlike a road trip, life isn't a singular destination pinpointed on a map, it is more of a collection of thoughts, feelings, desires and experiences. Because of this, we have more than one purpose per life, and the freedom and ability to change the path that we are on.

In order to understand your path in life, it is often essential to understand where you are now, and how it is you got here. By looking back with an open and unbiased mind, you are likely to see how your life has evolved. By reflecting over days gone by, we can refresh our minds and spirits of the things that worked for us, as well as those things that didn't work out quite as well.

The ultimate life...
Sometimes, we get to do what we want to, other times we simply do what we have to, but all of it is somehow connected to the choices we have made. That's the beauty and the heartache of having free will - nobody's destiny is left strictly to fate.

Your life path is very unique to you. While others may have common goals or desires, their path to ultimate fulfillment may take them down very different roads from your own. Take the time to ask yourself what it is you really want out of life, and then think of how you can make it so. Because many of us are much more familiar with the list of things we don't want, a simple place to start would be creating a plan to become free from those things. Sometimes a little reverse-engineering can lead to great discovery. In order to find your true path in life, you must learn or accept what is true to you - even if that truth is something grand and scary.

Some paths are smooth, others have more than a few bumps. Life, and its twisting paths, causes us to grow and change. Some days, the only way to know where we are going is to pause and acknowledge how far we've come.

The world is your oyster
Whether you know where you are going, or have just recently figured out where you have been, there is uncharted territory for you left to explore. Don't fear what comes next, because fear can keep you still. Chase your dreams, plan to fulfill your desires, follow your heart and honor the person you have become. The next step in your life is what you've decided it will be. Remember, life may be but a journey, but you are in the driver's seat!

When you follow where your spirit leads, you'll never be lead astray. So face each day with an open heart and open mind, and work as hard as you play!

. j-hop .

I love J-hop
yeah...wouldn't you believe it ;p
I'm definitely not an expert on the subject but I can say that what I really love about the songs I've heard is the chillout feel about them. It's a very beachy sunset vibe I get from a very simple yet complex sounding music. Yeah I really don't quite know how to describe it. But although both guitar work and drumbeats sound complex to replicate, they both have a very simplistic feel to them. And when I find translations of the lyrics, I often am pleasantly surprised to find them meaningful and richly descriptive. Like this one

Miss Monday - The Light (feat. Kj, Moriyama Naotaro, PES)

Lyrics: Kj, Miss Monday, PES, Moriyama Naotaro
Music: Kj

[PES]
The world began long, long ago
In an empty darkness like the one I find myself in
There are no second takes if you get lost
So I drift towards the exit

The irony is that I keep on walking
Even though I don’t know what path I’m on
When I finally arrive
The scenery changes from monochrome to color

Lights, Camera, Action
When I climb on stage I feel satisfaction
You give me light, if I reach out I can touch your heart

If you’re ever shocked with sadness or despair
I’ll offer you my voice and song, and soon you’ll shine

*[Moriyama Naotaro]
This sadness blends into the morning light
And vanishes in a single moment
So that all lies and mistakes are forgiven…

[Kj]
(The Light) Finger picking guitar play
Yeah I stumbled on bitter days
(The Light) Muddy rainy way
Yeah, smile even if you’re wet

Hey, these days aren’t so bad
Everyone stops and stands still
Walk again, first, put one foot forward
Let’s go all the way to a new city

I know you feel the same, friend
We pass each other by on intersections
Going this way and that
How often must we suffer this?

This is how we replenish ourselves, hey beautiful dreamer
Hey see the light, joyful life

**[Moriyama Naotaro]
Beneath the curtain of the night sky
Stardust falls and vanishes in that moment
So the wishes and dreams of that day will come true…

[Miss Monday]
See the light, Just feel the vibes…

The darker this night gets
The brighter the star called hope shines…

The deeper this surrounding darkness gets
The more I know I should just follow my feelings…

The city awakens like always
And the morning sun is like a tender kiss

Shining down on feet that are easily led astray
Hurrying us up on a new start

Why was I confused?
Why did I stop when someone asked me about my dream?

I’m someone who doesn’t care if they’re laughed at
I know I shouldn’t be one to give up

Tears and laughter, they’re not all useless
I won’t rush it, but I’m not waiting for a miracle either

With these hands, I want to see the future with you
Dawn is near…

(The Light) darkness recedes now, see the light
(The Light) just for a moment, see the light
(The Light) before your eyes, see the light

(Repeat*)
(Repeat**)

In the endless night
I considered that there were no endless nights…

. the kind of mother i'd imagine i would be .

As a mother, she'll see that the baby is clean, happy, healthy and loved. She probably won't pick him up every time he cries, fuss over him or overprotect him. But her children will get lots of warm, impulsive kisses and bear hugs. An Aries mother will teach her youngsters to believe in leprechauns. She'll take them for walks in the park, and point out the sparkling necklaces left on the lawn by the fairies when they danced under the moon where others might see only the early morning dew on the grass. Aries women create a magic world of fantasy for their children. It's where they live themselves. She won't be a permissive parent, she'll insist on strict discipline, and will probably be very fortunate in raising her offspring to be independent adults. Her favorite weapons of child psychology are: a wooden paddle, bedtime stories and goodnight kisses.

Except I'm not Aries

“Friendship is like a glass ornament, once it is broken it can rarely be put back together exactly the same way”

sometimes your greatest teachers are your greatest annoyances

“The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved —loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.”

— Victor Hugo

“There are four questions of value in life… What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love.”

— Johnny Depp

“I think the thing to do is to enjoy the ride while you’re on it.”

— Johnny Depp

i think i will defer my 4th year and see if i can get a working holiday visa to somewhere else for a year.

i don't want to be the one who tries any more _|_

i wonder if u realise just how much i treasure you and our friendship and wish that we could be closer and that i could understand you better and not feel like i'm ever so slowly drifting away.

. trying to get over a 19 yr old habit .

i really wanted to put in my best effort this year
we're...what....4 weeks? (see i don't even know) into term with a major asg due in 2 wks and i havent even really digested the basic readings.
augh

i can stay up the whole night to finish a 500 pg novel but i can't even finish 250 pgs in 3 wks.


god give me strength!

. random musings .

was talking to 1 of my friends, this girl fr home whom i met here...
i guess i'm not the only one who feels like i've constantly got a veil over my eyes when it comes to deciding what to do for my future. i've always thought that other people seemed to always know what to do, or if they didn't they at least were more informed of their choices. i don't know how they manage to get so informed. i think i'm gonna go look for some counsellors next week to have a talk with them.
she was telling me how screwed up sg's education system is. she said she's been helping a whole buncha masters students with their work. tutoring them stuff that she learnt in poly.
Can u believe it? The info we learn in our dips is equivalent to the crap these people learn doing their degrees and MASTERS. MASTERS for god's sake! Most people everywhere else get diplomas in a year. Which is fair enough, I mean, you can't expect to learn much in the span of a year. So why do we come out of a 3 yr course with info that people learn in their MASTERS course.... and therefore graduate with a masters of something....and we only get a friggin DIP?!
And am I the last person from that little island that just discovered this info?
We could have bloody well grad-ed with a deg at the least. Not even asking for masters. Bastards. Or maybe jus plain nincompoops. rarrr

i'm pmsing. can u tell? but i'm quite sure if i wasn't i'd still be annoyed. GIVE ME BACK MY YOUTH U BASTARDS!

so last week was officially the last weekend of summer....
and i inadvertently spent saturday night dancing away at a club.
haven't done that for some time. kinda miss it, miss doing that with the bunch of mcm girls.
honestly, i haven't found as crazy and fun a bunch as you guys....and there i was at that age, thinking we were normal.... thinking i was such a quiet, normal, uncrazy girl.
compared to everyone i've met here so far, i'm pretty much considered jus lil off the centre.
weirdness
people here are no fun.
i doubt i'll ever find a buncha girls who'd do the lean back thing with or anything like that.

. Synchronicity .

I checked out a Stats book on the 11th this month just in case I needed extra help with my PRM revision/1st time learning.
The receipt had the details of date and time that it's supposed to be returned cos this book was from the 3hr loan area.
This is what the receipt said

11/11 08:08:08 (yes down to the second)

So which lottery thingy should I buy?

. Chocolate Strawberry Yoghurt Lime Cupcake .

About 1/4 cup cocoa powder
1 cup strawberry yoghurt (I used ski)
Lime peel chopped (however much you want...I chopped till I was tired)
About 1/5-1/4 cup of milk. (Um I used quite a big mug so maybe 1/4)
2 eggs
125g butter
1 cup self-raising wholemeal flour (or plain or normal wholemeal flour with about 1 tsp baking powder and a pinch of salt)
Dash of vanilla essence

Usual steps for baking stuff.....
preheat oven
sift flour n cocoa powder (that's what i did)
cream sugar and butter
add eggs 1 at a time to creamed butter, mix after each
fold in flour/cocoa
add milk, mix mix mix
add yoghurt, mix mix mix
add vanilla essence, whenever you feel like it
add in lime peel chopped....if u have lime juice, maybe u can add a dash or 2? i dunno, i haven't tried that. cos i'm not at home and i've nowhere to store the remaining juice.
empty into cupcake liners or whatever
Bake for about 20 mins in 170-200 deg c oven or till fork/stick comes out clean
stare at clock impatiently
fish tray out of oven
stare at tray impatiently
grab a friend and something hard and fan the cupcakes furiously.
stare impatiently some more
grab a fork, grab cupcake, try not to burn your hand put cupcake on table.
eat

SUPER SOFT MAN!!!
super soft and moist! mmmmm

i made cai tao kueh a few days ago.
of course i'm only writing this now cos i'm severely running out of time to finish my essays.
fuck you procrastinating self!
also, i now crave mee sua soup with mummy's meatballs with tang cai. meh

. note to self .

when baking with cinnamon, 1 full tsp and a big dash is not enough
probably 3 full tsps and a generous few dashes would be better.
also, maybe just 1 smal tsp of chilli will do

. unknowing hypocrites .

some people criticise other people for being superficial, ridicule them behind their backs and have no desire to associate with them yet turn around and assume that a change in looks = a change in character.

if you can't see past and get over the improvement in the wrapper, you aren't worthy of enjoying the gift inside.

unless you're 3 years old and don't know any better...then i forgive you cos you're prolly really cute and cuddly and speak funny

"...while evidence of our intellectual and technological genius is all around us, there is growing concern that in other ways we have seriously underestimated ourselves. In part because of the blinding brilliance of our technological triumphs, we have distracted and dissociated ourselves from our inner world, sought outside for answers that can only be found within, denied the subjective and the sacred, overlooked latent capacities of mind, imperiled our planet, and lived in a collective trance - a contracted, distorted state of mind that goes unrecognised because we share it and take it to be "normality".
There exist within us, however, latent but unexplored creative capacities, depths of psyche, states of consciousness, and stages of development undreamed of by most people."

Walsh, R., & Vaughan, F. (eds). (1993). Paths beyond ego: The transpersonal vision. NY: Penguin Putnam

. time flies. and yet, it doesn't. i'm confused. yet not .

wow i first created this blog june 30 2005
it's been 3 years
3 years since i graduated
thank god it's only been 3 yrs. sometimes it feels like 4 yrs

Let's dance in style, let's dance for a while
Heaven can wait we're only watching the skies
Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst
Are you gonna drop the bomb or not

Let us die young or let us live forever
We don't have the power, but we never say never
Sitting in a sand-pit, life is a short trip
The music's for the sad men.

Can you imagine when this race is run
Turn our golden faces into the sun
Praising our leaders, we're getting in tune
The music's played by the mad men

Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever, forever, forever?
Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever, forever, forever?

Some are like water, some are like the heat
Some are a melody, some are the beat
Sooner or later they'll all be gone
Why don't they stay young?

It's so hard to get old without a cause
I don't want to perish like a fading horse
Youth is like diamonds in the sun
and diamonds are forever

So many adventures couldn't happen today
So many songs that we forgot to play
So many dreams swinging out of the blue
We let them come true

Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever, forever, forever?
Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever, forever, forever?

Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever, forever, forever?

Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever, forever, forever?

Sometimes i can be so intolerant and judgemental i wonder how anyone could say i have a healing touch or that i could be or was a healer. maybe the was part...but could i ever get rid of this intolerant quick tempered streak to be able to heal?

. love .

how do some friendships go fr super close to suddenly just have dissipated into thin air?
no sign, no warning, no talk, no trying. nothing.

why do we have to wait till our egos are horribly bruised, ripped to shreds and trampled upon before we decide enough is enough?
what's up with this completely blind and misguided ability to hold fast to hope even while we feel our hearts about to explode and implode at the same time? or is that just the feeling of our ego being bashed up?

i'm sorry you have to go through this now and i'm sorry you have to find your way out alone while we standby watching you through a glass panel. we all know you'll find your way out but still, if i could hand you a knife to cut your heart out now, i would. but most of all i'm sorry, that at the same time, you had to find out that your best friend really isn't your best friend at all.

it's hard to understand or even have a vague notion of how someone's really feeling if you've never been through it yourself, if you've never been in any position anything like it. it goes both ways. assumptions are often wrong. hopefully we can both cut them some slack. it doesn't mean that you can't be there for her even though she's not being there for you. unconditional is without conditions. it also doesn't mean you can't close your door on her. locking it prolly just wouldn't be wise. you don't want to keep yourself prisoner do you?

. keeping track .

damn it's a busy period

My Jung essay was due yesterday, I will be 2 days late.
My crit review is due tomorrow but I applied for a 2 day extension. I got a day, but that's alright. But augh I'm becoming that which I looked at with disdain and disbelief.
My stats asg is due on the 4th, that's next Thurs then the snow trip the following morning till Sunday evening.
Gotta get groceries and other necessities for the trip in between somehow. Need long johns I think. I wanna get snow boots like the ones I saw at Preston. $70 ain't too bad. Too bad they didn't have my size.
Then Wicked on the 10th. Damn that it clashes with my FCUK workshop. I was so looking forward to that. Aiya.
Then clubbin with Leon and Hiro...maybe or will postpone that to my birthday the followin week to kill 2 birds wi 1 stone.
Gotta meet up with Aunt Ida for my VP and prolly Aunt Alice as well.
Then my birthday on the 20th.
Then breathe and finally the break, the week or so after. But keeping in mind that SCB's asg 2 is due the Thurs after the break and the Psych report the following Tues. With the final Jung essay due slightly less than 2 wks after. And finally study break.
And omg, gotta catch up on readings by then.
And sometime in between, I gotta do my class presentation, either that or that's another 1000 words for Jung.

WHY SO FAST!!!!!

Gotta try to get my presentation in the week before the break. That's the only free-ish week.

‘99% of your creation is complete before you begin to see the evidence. In other words, you’ve lived life, you’ve launched rockets, source has received your rocket, law of attraction has acted on your rocket, actualization is beginning to form around your rocket of desire, but there’s no physical evidence yet. So if you’re counting on the physical evidence before you cheer up,
then you have a sort of gap, don’t you.

Physical friends will say, ‘Well, Abraham, if I could be over there I would feel so much better.’

And we say, ‘We know. But you’ve got to feel better before you can get over there.’

And they say, ‘Can’t I just be the one exception in all of the universe? Can’t you just make it better?

Can’t you change the circumstance so that I can feel better?’

And we say, ‘It’s an inside job. You’ve got to find a way to shift your vibration, and then whatever it is you’re asking for can flow easily into your experience.’

– Abraham-Hicks

Obviously I don't learn my lessons very quickly. Thankfully I have a patient and kind teacher.
It's the same lesson again - everybody does the best they can with the knowledge they have at that moment.
Once again I'm sorry for being overly judgemental and/or critical. I'm still learning. I'm still trying. I -am- a Virgo you know. At least I'm trying.

I like random coincidences and synchronicity
Nothing was planned or purposely manipulated. It all just happened on 20/08/2008. Which also adds up in numerology to 1/1 which then becomes 2...but aiya...lets play along with the synchronicity

. i'm going to the snoow~ i'm going to the snoow~ .

snoowboaarding snooowboarding
Sept 5, 6, 7


then later in the year
i'm going tooo seoul~ i'm going tooo seoul~

i was hoping it'd be more of a snow trip but there's only 1 day of skiing =/
oh well
but then again

i'm going to the snoow~ i'm going to the snoow~

. more food .

In between making the black cherry mocha and the kiwi lime cupcakes, I made a batch of black cherry yoghurt muffins with chocolate chips and 1 had a face on it!! hehe...

I also borrowed my friend's soya bean milk maker thingamajig (which by the way, is a BITCH to clean!!!!!!!!!) and did my very own batch of home made soy milk. Awesomeness I tells ya! I made a few batches. Thing about home made soy milk is that you'll get this residue thingy which the Japs call okara. It's awesome stuff....full of nutrition -> protein, fibre, and all that jazz. Also, it's a superb ingredient for breads and baked goods.

While I was making the kiwi lime cupcakes, I made a mistake and sifted my sugar with my flour (sugar shuda been creamed wi e butter) so I kept that bag of mistake for future use. I don't deal with wastage very well see...

So I used that, added the okara, choc chips and yoghurt and...I dunno maybe 1 egg or something. I wanted to make something scone-like, bread-like. Also I was lazy so I just plonked the whole bowl of batter down into a loaf shaped thing on my pan. I topped it with cinnamon sugar so it'd be all crispy crusty like.

It came out kinda cake like, kinda scone like, kinda bread like, kinda awfully yummilicious as my friend put it. =)

Check the texture out...slightly chewy.....very fluffy......

Mmmness

. one random walk .

fr northcote to brunswick
this is why i could love this place
this is why i love my phone and it's camera

. black cherry mocha .

. kiwi lemon cupcakes .

I made 2 batches.
Well actually I didnt have enough space on my rack for all so the last 2 had significantly less batter than the others. Added vanilla essence and amarula.
The others rose like a souffle and fell like badly done souffles as well.

(Badly done souffles)

(Perfecto)

The 2 were perfect.
The differences were the other 2 had less batter, were refrigerated before being baked and had frangelico in them. Hmm...
Also at the end, I turned up the top burner to like full blast to brown the tops. Shiok man
They all taste like the seiyu cheesecake. And with the browned tops like damn yummy crust. Next time I'll add more frangelico and see what happens. Sorry no pics. Lazy to upload the souffle ones... Maybe next time... and the perfect ones were gone too quick. Heh

Her recipe also includes a strawberry and kiwi cream cheese frosting (sounds yummy) but obvi I'm too lazy for that. And the cupcakes are delish on their own anyway. Very delicate flavour with bursts of sourness fr the kiwis. DAMN GOOD LA! I might wanna wolf down another but that'd be 3 of em and it's mdn hehe. GAH NO! NAUGHTY!

Recipe as follows thanks to Couture Cupcakes
Lemon Kiwi Fruit Cupcakes

125g / 1/2 cup butter
3/4 cup caster sugar
3 eggs
1 ¼ cup SR flour
1 tsp finely grated lemon rind
1 tbs lemon juice
1/2 cup sour cream
2 kiwi fruit finely diced
1. Preheat oven to 180 (350).
2. Line a muffin tray with cupcake liners.
3. Cream butter, lemon zest and sugar until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes.
4. Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition.
5. Beat in the flour until just combined, add the sour cream and lemon juice and beat until well incorporated.
6. Fold in the finely diced kiwi fruit.
7. Evenly divide the batter into cupcake liners and bake for 20 - 22 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean.
8. Allow to cool completely before frosting.
Makes 12 cupcakesIt says makes 12 but I'm quite sure if you fill the cups like you're meant to (ie 3/4 stead of 5/6 hehe) you'll def be able to make at least 15, maybe even squeeze out an extra 16th.

. lol .

silly big bro says (5:43 PM):
when i die
on my tombstone or whatever
i want the words "Lol Rez Pls" inscribed on it
lil sis says (5:43 PM):
LOL
hokay
i rem hahaha
silly big bro says (5:44 PM):
at the bottom can put PS, forgot to buy ankhs
lil sis says (5:48 PM):
if you have children...theyll b like...zomgwtfbbq
silly big bro says (5:48 PM):
eh yah good one
"ZOMBWTFBBQ....lol rez pls"
lil sis says (5:48 PM):
11!!! ?
silly big bro says (5:49 PM):
yahyah
that too
maybe right at the bottom
PSS: You healers suck
PSS: L2Rez


he's a troll shaman on gorg in WoW

. Somethings hiding in here .

This website makes me really happy
It'd be a dream to be able to create things to sell...or not... without worrying about whether it'll be enough to pay the bills.
It'd also be a dream to live in a loft like theirs and have a swing in my bedroom =)

They have these moustache thingies which are so cute. I think they'd make awesome t-shirt prints. All kindsa people with those faux moustaches haha

Also, my neighbour's sister has the most awesome dress sense. I think I might finally have found someone whom I wouldn't have to nag to go check out the 2nd hand shops around here with.

Also, I love this place cause there are soo many Volkswagen combies. I'd really like to have one. A camper van. One day.

. Recipe .

So I've finally gotten an oven. =) Table top one, but it'll have to do.
And I realise that I really enjoy baking (my neighbours also apparently enjoy me baking too...I wonder why.....)! I can't wait to go home now because making do with minimal equipment and a temperamental oven while baking is not as fun as messing around with all that crap Mummy has at home. Although, I keep telling myself that mixing by hand would at least be burning off some of the calories I'll no doubt be ingesting at the speed of an inhalation later.

Oh wow what a ramble.

What I was going to say was that obviously, while enjoying baking, I'd have to have recipes to bake. So I found this website (as shown in my last post) (one of many anyway..I get a bit obsessive with googling) and it has a recipe for loove which I've been kind enough to share.

Moroccan Majoun

By Aliza Green from The Santa Monica Farmers' Market Cookbook

Cannabis is mixed with dried fruits, nuts, and spices to make the Moroccan candy called majoun, love potion in Arabic. Marijuana is considered an essential herb in Jamaica’s Rastafarian cooking. Cannabis seeds may be toasted and used as a condiment, ground and brewed as a coffee substitute, made into cakes, or fried. In Japan, the seeds, called asanomi, are one of the ingredients in the spice mixture Shichimi Togarashi.

INGREDIENTS

• 1/4 ounce marijuana tops
• 1/2 cup raisins
• 1/2 cup walnuts
• 1 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 1 teaspoon ground anise
• 1 teaspoon ground ginger
• 1/2 cup honey
• 1/2 cup water
• 2 tablespoons butter

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Remove stems and seeds from marijuana tops, then dry and crumble the leaves. In a dry skillet, toast the leaves over very low heat until the aromas are released.
2. Mix the leaves with raisins, walnuts, nutmeg, anise, ginger, honey, and water, adding more water if the mixture is too dry and crumbly.
3. Simmer together until the mixture is soft and thick. Mash by hand or transfer to a food processor and blend, using several short pulses.
4. Stir in butter, spoon into a jar, and refrigerate for storage. Spread on crackers or plain cookies, or use as a filling for stuffed cookies. Majoun will keep for 2 to 3 months refrigerated.

. Cooking with Mary Jane .

Cannabis is all right as a cooking spice, says the Indonesian vice president.

Here’s a story that’s been lighting up blogs for the past month: Back at the end of June, the vice president of Indonesia—a country that has some of the most draconian drug trafficking laws in the world—told reporters that it was acceptable for local chefs to use crushed marijuana leaves as a cooking spice. Specifically, he said:

It is all right to use it as a food seasoning, but it should not be fully legalized.

The comment’s context was a recent study recommending that Indonesia review its antimarijuana laws. Cannabis is a traditional cooking spice in many places, such as Indonesia’s Aceh province (where it is reportedly used “just like coriander”), Bolivia, Jamaica, and Morocco.

Pro-pot bloggers have been all over the story, some seeing in it a new argument for legalization. It’s the so-called Martha Stewart defense. So, who’s on board? Gourmands? Brewers? Salad-lovers?

Taken from Chow.com

. Soul vs Ego .

Soul Versus Ego

Is it your true purpose or just desire?

By Tanya

Source: California Psychics

To help you sort out your "soul-purpose" in life - the one true reason you are here (or the thing you were born to do and often wonder whether or not you are actually fulfilling) - it helps to understand how to separate your reason for living from the prompts of your ego (desire).

To begin, keep in mind the things you passionately carry around on your "would-love-to-do list" while you're here on earth. The exciting thing about following your life path, is that doing what you are meant to do and doing what you want to do, don't have to be separate endeavors.

It is very possible to live your soul-purpose while honoring your ego-desire. As a matter of fact, it is wise to do so. Living your soul-purpose is a respectful, kind-hearted gesture to the Universe, while honoring your ego-driven desires is a respectful, kind-hearted gesture to your Self.

To do both successfully, it takes a simple spiritual look inside... and a plan.

Just the facts
To understand it better, think of the soul as the essence of who you are, while the ego is the part of you that is formed out of experiences (plus, it's influenced by our environment and society - your true soul is not). The ego driven things you do are a conscious endeavor, while your soul-purpose gestures are a subconscious assignment. Though the two reside within you, each may have its own goal to accomplish during one's life experience. So the trick is to decipher who is motivating you - your ego or your soul's purpose.

Your soul purpose
Often, the purpose of our soul (or life path) is associated with our choice of profession or vocation, although there is also the belief that it's directly related to a particular way of daily living. In order to discover your very own soul-purpose, you must be honest and open-minded. Once you tap into this state of mind, assess your strengths, passions and skill sets by writing them down. Then weigh those traits with your natural abilities to discover your reason for living. For details, see the example below.

A soul purpose evaluation
I discovered what I believe to be my own soul purpose, with this simple formula, only two years ago. As a result, I found that giving psychic readings fell right in line with the divine reason for my life experience.

My strengths (expression, objectivity and understanding human emotion), my skill set (being psychic, impressive oral and written communication), my passions (helping people) and my natural abilities (sympathy, sensitivity and empathy - I'm a Pisces) all went into the equation.

The reason for my existence, I determined, is to be of service to others, by communication either in spoken or written form - with the intent of influencing empowerment and healing. Therefore, I'm fulfilling my obligation to the Universe by giving spiritual readings! Of course I could also be living my soul-purpose by being a nurse, a psychologist or a teacher, but there were specific yet subtle signs (being psychic?) that led me to choose this manner of assisting others.

What is your ego-desire?
Determining one's ego-desire is easy. Ask yourself 'What is it that I like to do and am good at?' The ego-desire isn't necessarily your chosen occupation - though it's great if it is - it is merely that which you can't see living your life without doing. In the eyes of others, you may be great at it, good at it, or horrible at it… it doesn't matter. It's a hobby of sorts, yet it may get more attention than a hobby later on. It is a personal function of the heart, mind and body, while the soul-purpose is a universal obligation of the spirit. For me, if I couldn't write, I don't know what I'd do with all of my creative spurts. I have a dream of someday writing books and screenplays, but in the meantime, I keep my ego-desire flexed by writing articles for California Psychics.com

Remember, it is possible to live your soul-purpose while honoring your ego-desire as shown in the example above. By fulfilling both simultaneously, you are bound to lead a more complete and contented life. Good luck!

Hell is, as the English mystic poet William Blake wrote, a place so beautiful that “it would torment an angel to insanity.”

i saw the most attractive guy this evening.
there was just something about his eyes...
i wish i could know him.
he kinda looks like a cross between noah wyle, brandon boyd and that guy from lipstick jungle.. that kirby guy
i like the way he had his hair kinda bunned up....and hes tall...omg...there's jus something about him..."there's something about the look in your eyes..something i noticed when the light was just right... "

also, i got to finally know my neighbours today =) it's been an awesome day.
we were on the tram and they turned ard and they were like...are you _____? do you live in crapestate? and i was like...huuh? yah why? and they were like oh we're _____'s friends. do you want a lift back? we parked our car at the uni
and i was like...omg yaaaah!!! =)
and theyre great ppl....a married couple.... hehe....25 and 29 respectively....hubby loves drinking. its awesome...he seems a bit chui feng kind...but he seems fun so it's awesome. =)
AND!!! he has a guitar he hardly uses so he let me use it =)

one reason why i can't wait to get a proper place of my own is so i can properly buy stuff of more permanence for the home.
i can't wait to be able to get many many lil tupperware boxes to put all my teas in. and i'll cut out the labels and stick em in too so i can read sometimes. cos i like reading labels. actually i just like reading words.
i'm gonna have a huge section in my kitchen dedicated to beverages.

on a side note, i like peppermint tea with honey and full cream milk. actually, i just like full cream milk.

also, i like having nothing to do but listen to my thoughts. it's fun. =)

. The Lime Tree .

I love this song by Trevor Hall. (oh what a coincidence, my friend Trevor just signed in haha)
The melody and lyrics just make me want to curl up somewhere and look at the world passing by with dirty slightly cracked unfocused yellow tinged lenses. I think it'd sound lovely if a girl did it.

Spark a match and watch the candle burn
the wick runs out and love takes its turn
on fallen angels and broken sounds
we will last past the final round
it took a while for you to find me
cos i was hiding in the lime tree
above the city in the rain cloud
i poked a hole and watched it drain out
parallel to the city streets
our broken crowns beneath our feet
but as we walk across the diamonds
we know that love is always shining
so save me love save me all the time
i'll wash you down with a simple sip of wine
and toast my glass to all my loved ones
to let them know that the stars well they still shine

. deja voodoo .

circa 1998 - 2001 & 2003. i never thought it'd happen again but sometimes those damn things jus keep coming back. like fucking flies.

i wish i could be more like my brother. he is resilient. we went through the same thing at the same time but he never said a word about it till now. as he said, "i hardly consider myself troubled. like i don't know trouble until it's all blown over and i look back and realise it was more serious than i thought."

he leads a charmed life. my silly charmed bro. you don't know an enigma till u've met him.

maybe i need a major fever to fry part of my brain too.

. in pursuit of happyness .

Before I was 3 years old, i wanted to be a mummy, like Mummy. All I wanted to be was happy and who wouldn't be happy surrounded by people who loved them, by people whom they loved?

Then till I was 7 or so, I wanted to be a singer, an actress and/or a model. All those glamorous things I saw on TV (included colouring the hair of my drawings yellow...till my mum made me realise that all of us have black hair...gee who'd have thunk it....i was about 5+ then... god i still remember the little blonde hair blue eyed girl with the baby blue dress!).

Then I wanted to be an architect, and/or interior designer, and/or fashion designer, as well as an artist or musician or something like that.

Then I decided (or was told/influenced) that all those things were too fluffy and stupid. So then I wanted to be a psychologist. or do something to do with that. Till I was told it was a long hard road (1 and a half years in...still seems pretty much a breeze. I put in effort that would get me a B- or C grade at home and I'm getting full marks or near full marks)

Then I wanted to work in advertising. Or something to do with the media. Maybe my childhood dreams trying to not let themselves die.

I always knew I'd study overseas. I thought it would be something creative.

yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
yesterday is a promise that you've broken
don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
this is your life and today is all you've got now
yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes

this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose

I don't know. I don't think so. not in that aspect anyway.

Now, more than 2 decades on, all I still want to be is happy. Not just a normal happy day kinda thing. But that feeling you get once in a while when you realise that even though nothing's perfect, but everything's perfect just as it is. And your heart surges and your soul sings. And then you settle in, kinda, basking in the glow of love.

Like now.

All by myself in my extremely messy apartment, dishes piling in the sink even though I just did a major washup.
In this crappy place with crappy people who open my eyes up to a whole new level of dumbness (talk about going overseas to broaden your horizons boy).
With another exam on Fri that I haven't started studying for.
Period cramps that keep fading in and out.
Wondering why I'm not pursuing my heart's desire, wondering what that even is...

Yet for some reason, I'm happy. Not contented. But happy.

Oh! It's started to fade...ah well...at least I had a moment there.
Back to studying for counselling.

. alice in wonderland .

mmm strangeness ...i dreamt of MJP last nite. haven't thought about him in a while!
can't believe it's been more than a decade since we first met. i can't even remember his bday. never thought i'd forget. i mean, it's around xmas! how difficult could that be? but i've forgotten.
is it xmas eve, or is it mummy's and daddy's wedding anniversary... mmmm
i think i still remember his phone no tho... i think... or maybe that's her new no... gee... oh! it IS his no! or was anyway. wonder where in the world he is and how he's doing.

10 years.

mmm wonder what would've happened if i'd handled things differently.

hi ning! you know what i'm talkin about don't u?

. christians .

i was just watchin some videos i recorded durin that switchfoot concert and i realised my fave vids were spoilt by 2 things:
lack of batteries and this irritating christian who kept making the sign of the cross with his fingers.
what's up with that man? it's a friggin rock concert, not worship. geez.
go ahead and raise your hands and block my view like you're in church during worship. whatever. annoying.. but fun... but geez man! why dya have to keep making the cross with your fingers? what's up with that?
yes we all know switchfoot are open with their views on their faith but they're first and foremost a rock band. so keep your over zealous profession of faith where it belongs. at church.

funny sight tho, some guy using his hands to make the cross next to a few guys with the horned 'rock' sign. hehehe i wonder if they noticed and did it on purpose.


and next time i go to a concert like that, i'm not gonna let anyone's lateness keep me from going to the front. bah. being considerate seems to be going out of style.

When I was young and first started reading on my own, if I wasn't sure, I used to always ask whomever was around what this or that word meant.
After a while, I used my own knowledge and inferred the meanings of those words I was unfamiliar with. I've never questioned my inferences until now.
Recently I heard people using the word robust in ways that just didn't fit the meaning I gave it. So of course I had to go google the meaning. And good grief! Here I'd always thought robust meant lively and strong and kinda boisterous, cos I'd always only seen the word being used to describe children. Then when I'd heard it being used to describe tastes, well, a lively kinda "party in your mouth" description doesn't sound wrong. But a lively "party wherever" part of your brain, or vehicle jus didn't sound right.
In case you're like me, and for some reason didn't know the proper meaning, it means, more or less, that it's strong and hardy.

Go google it.

Good lord, now I wonder how many other words I got wrong!

. The Story of the 2 Dogs, the Hall of Mirrors and the Law of the Universe .

There was a happy little dog who decided to go for a little wander. He came across this curious place called the Hall of A Thousand Mirrors. Curious, he stepped in, tail wagging, for a look. What greeted him was the sight of a thousand dogs wagging their tails back at him. And he thought, "what a delightful little place! Such friendly dogs! I have to come back here more often."

So excitedly he left the place to tell his grouchy friend about it, hoping to bring a bit of cheer into his life. This friend of his padded off to this place to check it out. However, being the suspicious grouchy little thing that he was, he was full of doubt about the place and very cautiously snuck into the hall. A movement caught his eye and he growled and had a snarl on his face. Suddenly he realised, he was surrounded by a thousand snarling dogs. In a fright he ran out of the place with his tail between his legs thinking, "what a horrid place!" never to come back again.

The End

What you put out, you'll attract. This is called the Law of Attraction. It's a universal law. You can't escape it like you can't escape gravity. So get used to it.

sigh... i really like my prof ross day
he's such a funny old man hahahaha

"I would certainly prefer to be descended from an ape than from a cultivated man who prostituted the gifts of culture and eloquence to the service of prejudice and falsehood"

- Thomas Huxley

You show your age,
when you drown your rage.
But i see past those laughter lines,
so baby, lets split tonight,
I got a tank full of gas to light.


Yeah we can drive for miles and miles
But you just said,
"Not for all the love in the world"
"Not for all the love in the world"

Cause she didnt realize, now thats a lotta love


Pipe dreams fade,
and all the underdogs get laid.
Left your heart in the hands of a jugglin clown.
And so you crave recognition,
but the keys to the city went missing

People aren't puzzles to be figured out
But you just said,
"Not for all the love in the world"
"Not for all the love in the world"

Cause she didnt realize, now thats a lotta love
Oh Oh
Whooooo

I guess that everybody,
Went to a better party, oh no
Not for all the love in the world
Not for all the love in the world
But she didnt realize, now thats a lotta love.

. dream coming true .

A big dream of mine has always been to tour Africa.

In about 2-3 years time, after my friend graduates (maybe longer, depending on whether he wants to work here in Aus or not), I will take a trip to Malawi and spend a few months on a road trip around South Africa.
Board and lodging will be FOC in Malawi, he says. I'll prolly need USD1000 for the South African leg of the trip. So most likely I'll need USD2000 spending money. I can't wait for the shopping. With a local, I ain't gonna get cheated =) And hes gonna show me parts of Malawi and SA that tourists don't get to see.
Hopefully I'll be able to catch that charity music festival www.lakeofstars.co.uk

Dream coming true


Do stop by Malawi if you're doing a South African tour. The country needs the tourist income.
Here's an article about it in The Guardian

. BUZZED not .

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Online Dating

. lesson learnt while trying to work on my essay (due 25hrs ago) .

Lesson 4

According to Linksz, I'm of above average intelligence.

(On colour-blind people)

They heard us call the leaves green and whatever shade leaves have for them, they call it green. People of average intelligence never stop to analyze their sensations. (Linksz 1952)

I've always wondered whether we all see things in the same hue. So therefore I am of above average intelligence. hahaha. No wonder my prof told me to go read this particular reading after our discussion. I am such a terrible student.

Maybe I should name this series "insights" stead of "lessons".

*/gir*

. lessons learnt while trying to work on my essay (due 25hrs ago) .

Lesson 2

I find the sounds of lil kids playing adorable. I find the sounds of not so little kids playing absolutely detestable. STFU twerps!


Lesson 3

Being in a science course, forced to take shit like behavioural neuroscience and the like, has finally taught me to kinda be able to read really dry scientific journals and articles. something i never thought i'd ever be able to do. woohoo!

. The thing about text messages .

The thing about them is they were created for convenience. It was so that the sender could send a msg to the receiver at anytime without fearing that they'll be imposing on that person at an inconvenient time, knowing that the receiver could 'receive' and reply the msg when it was convenient for him/her.
So if you're gonna be one of those idiots who always has your phone on 'loud' mode even when you don't want to be disturbed by it, then bitch about people sending you msgs at that time, i.e. when you're sleeping, well it's your bloody fault isn't it? That's why they have silent mode you dumb fuck

also can someone smack me up the side of my head?
my essay was due at 4pm on 30 may
they deduct 2% a day late (working days only hahaha)
i decided to hand it in "a day late"
but i haven't quite started writing it yet...nor do i quite know what to put in it.
also, it's 3000 words.
at least it's not a scientific essay where every damn point requires a reference.
but he seems to imply he can see thru bullshit...
also he said he thinks i'm the kind likely to be a con artist, bullshit kind, albeit jokingly. but still...

do i look like a con artist to you? =(

do you wanna write my essay?
or do my dishes?
can i get a genie in a bottle baby please?
i'd use 1 wish to finish my essay...A grade quality please...the 2nd to get As in my exams :p
and the 3rd to um....grant enlightenment to all of mankind or something to that effect.

ok smack me now -_-

i think i won't bother anymore
at least now if anyone asks i can lay claim to the fact that it's not my fault
i'm closing the door for now but i'm not locking it. also, if you do knock, don't expect me to bother getting up to open it for you. do it yourself.
because i am sick of making the effort.

. lesson learnt while NOT working on my essay (due 8hrs ago) .

Lesson 1
Dairy stores for much longer if kept upside down in its container.
Apparently, storing dairy products upside down in their containers starves bacteria of oxygen to grow and multiply.
I'm trying that on my big tub of yoghurt. And nope, nothing's leaked out yet and I've left it for about 4 hours. Although I don't think I can tell you how long it can keep for cos it looks like I'm gonna finish it preeeettty soon :D

the more "scholarly" essays i read, the more i dislike them. so many of them reek of overly bombastic words.
if you're so damn smart why can't you just use simple words. ie adound...uh...u can replace that with effect or contribute or use both.
just add a few more words...it won't kill ya! but it'll def make reading your damn essays more of a pleasure than a damn bloody chore.

education makes you stupid
so stupid you can't even write simple sentences.


edit: i also hate reading essays full of quotations. the quotation marks jus keep throwing me off my whole rhythm of reading the passage so there's no flow. and then at the end i'm like "wtf was that again?"

. in retrospect .

on the previous post...

altho i'm glad certain things happened so things won't happen for me with FG cos...ewwwness! i wonder what would've happened if other things didn't

sometimes i look upon her with fondness and sometimes i just can't be fucked and/or look upon her with contempt. like today. i won't give a shit even if she fell off the face of the earth today. maybe if it happened in 2 wks time i might cry. but today i just can't be fucked. and it happens often. not just with her. i wonder why.

i guess i never recovered from what happened. it's true about us virgoans. we forgive but we never forget. maybe we never truely forgive either. that night i told her how i felt about her and our friendship. unfortunately i was speaking in the present tense. unfortunately she was touched. because as soon as the words came out of my mouth i suppose their meaning was lost. kinda like how you open up a really old crypt and turning all that you revealed into dust.
it's just that i don't quite sort out my thoughts and feelings fast enough. cos sometimes even i have trouble getting around that wall i built.

i just handed in my counselling assignment. i'm kinda a cross between the preoccupied style and the dismissive style. theyre on 2 different corners of the model. yet i'm a cross between both. go figure. lousy model man. go google up adult attachment styles and you'll find out what those terms mean haha. i can't be fucked to explain.

sleeptime.

. it felt like a great big flaming pile of shit flying through the air .

I was clearing out my laptop and found this old letter. Since I decided then to just let it slide and not bother delivering it, and since too much time has passed and hey I can't even be bothered much about the friendship anyway, I thought I'd just post it here. Sort've as a warning, in case any future friends decide to read this. Also I blocked out names and such. But left enough in there for anyone clued in enough to sort out who what where ;)

Sometimes I do things like these that I just -know- I'll regret later. But I have not had any sleep in a while and I feel just a tad daaangerous. Hahahahahaha

On hindsight, I'm also kinda not surprised that 24 Sept happened. They're both kinda related. Can you see why? ;)

Saturday, 21 July 2007

It felt like a great injustice. We’d spoken about it before. If we ever both liked a guy at the same time we won’t stop each other from trying our luck but ultimately the choice would be his. The victor won’t flaunt it but it should not break our friendship up.

We’d both met him at the same time and gone on about how cute he is. She had her eye on 2 guys, the Fxxxx and an Axxx guy. She, identifying herself as half Axxx, well it would’ve been obvious wouldn’t it? 2 of us girls. Supposedly great friends meet 2 guys. She’s interested in both, I’m only interested in 1. For her to say, “Oh, whom should I choose?” What would you think? Is she thinking of her friend at all? Or just herself? She keeps going they’re both so cute. Why would she suddenly change target to the Fxxxxx one, and when I go, “are you serious? Cos I think he’s cute too.” She looked at me for a while after that then “got distracted”. I know she’s not an idiot.

So whenever he talks to me she looks at me and smiles with that “ooh, you go girl” look. I would keep it to a minimum but to me, my trump card is my personality, my intelligence, my quiet class and looks. No ott performance whatsoever.

She keeps going on and on about ohh so many choices which to choose, like as if I didn’t matter. Then she keeps flaunting and crowing about every “achievement” she’s made with him. His hard-on when he was grinding her etc.

She comes into my room the day he’s supposed to come over. B comments that my room is neater. She goes, oh sure, it’s cos he’s coming over. I say no, it’s cos you know whom is comin over. She says she thinks he’s a really great guy to have as a friend so she won’t chase after him cos he has a gf already and she doesn’t wanna lose him as a friend. I share the same sentiments.

He comes over and we drink and laugh and talk. I get tipsy and have a lot of fun. She’s supposed to be doing her work but she isn’t. Whatever, that’s her problem. He grabs my phone a few times to look at the pictures I try to grab it back he puts it above his head. I’m having fun so I play along, I lean over to try and grab it back and laugh at our silliness. She disappears.

When they leave, she grabs B along (I’m surprised he felt it was ok for 2 people…1 unrelated no less… to ambush a person nay a friend like that…considering his talks of karma and shit hey thanks for the double whammy attack…stab the other one why don’t you) and accuses me of flirting with him. In her words “when you know that I really like him”. Hah! It’s funny really. Especially when she feigns ignorance when I go, and you didn’t realise I like him too. It’s too bad she waylaid me while I was tipsy. You’re not an idiot girl. Quit treating me like one. When I mention many times over, “really cos I think he’s cute too…” I know that you know. If you don’t for example, why would you even think I was cleaning up my room for him? The difference between the both of us is that everything you’ve accused me of doing, from wanting someone after someone else wants them to being disloyal, being manipulative, being flirtatious (how my close friends back home would laugh at hearing everything you’ve accused me of being)… well have you looked in a mirror recently? The only reason I’m not aggressive in this is because you keep feigning ignorance and I don’t want to push it. How you looked at every single action under a microscope and gave it meaning. Even when there was none.You think I wasn’t upset when you keep talking about your choices without factoring me in? I wouldn’t for ONE second do that to you. If there were 2 guys that I both liked and only 1 that you liked I would have made my choice of the other guy. I would not have chosen the one that you liked as well. You knew I’ve been iffy about my SB. He’s younger and well frankly come on. He’s not here. I asked you if you had a big crush on F. You said yes. You weren’t lying there. So if it’s a big crush, why do you not work on it? I’ll tell you. You like having their attention. You like them eating out of the palm of your hand. It’s how you get your kicks. You don’t even realise it. But I notice that whenever you spoke about him, you’d be looking over at me constantly as if to make sure I heard it all. And when I pretended I couldn’t be fucked you stopped. Even if you were talking to other people. Even if I’d heard it a million times over. If I showed any interest, it’d fire you up. You think I wasn’t affected when you kept rubbing, flaunting everything in my face? Did you even notice the looks people were giving me when you kept going ohhhh which one should I choose?

Why do you do that? Why are you so competitive? I held his interest that night. Not because I was trying to flirt with him. You said he’d make a good friend. I agreed with you. So is your voice so attractive to you, are you so self absorbed that nothing anyone says registers in your mind? At all? So I held his interest, played with him like I would a guy I’m interested to develop a friendship with.

And you get so jealous, but you’re so insecure, you have to drag someone else to back you up when you come to confront me about it. While I’m inebriated. And then you accuse me of not being a good friend, of overstepping boundaries. Read through this and tell me where, at all, have you even once considered my feelings?

Notice how I never said anything. And I wouldn’t unless it becomes a really big issue for me. I deal with it myself. I reason that you don’t realise what you’re doing, but maybe I would one day sit down and talk to you about it without my guns blazing. I thought, you know what, if she’s not even realising what she’s doing, and bringing it up might stir up nasty feelings then like whatever, and he’s taken anyway. So whatever. SB’s been really sweet. There’re more available fish in the sea. Fine. I’ll just suck it up and leave it at that.

But you. The moment you feel threatened... that’s what you do. Come out guns ablazing. Do you even realise how much you love drama? How you keep creating all these scenarios… absolutely delusional scenarios where everyone’s out to get you. Recent example of thinking F hadn’t called you the whole day cos he spoke to his Axxx gang. You wouldn’t believe me when I said maybe it’s just your imagination and be patient. Eventually he called. Example of how you went crazy when A didn’t contact you after coming back from Oxxx. Have you ever considered the best course of action for your relationships with people? Or are you just interested in you you you?

Sure that girl tried to kill you. Sure it’s traumatic. But you love the drama. Cos if you didn’t you’d tell yourself to calm down and not jump to conclusions. You know it’s scarred you and will definitely make you jump to conclusions but yet you allow it to make your imagination run away. And then you believe it. You allow yourself to believe your delusions even when you know they’re there. Then you use it and turn on the ones who care about you and try to force it down our throats. You live, you learn. Or you’re supposed to. Traumatic events happen to a lot of people and cause their thinking to be coloured. But if you know it’s coloured, why can’t you factor that in? Why do you still believe the colour you see? You’re not stupid. Come on. You just like the drama don’t you. It hurts. It’s not easy. But you’re not stupid. And you’re not weak. You can do it. It’s just an excuse now because you’re not stupid enough for it to overpower your thinking. We all know you’re intelligent.

Honestly ask yourself if at any one moment in your life, anything you’ve ever done has been purely altruistic and nothing to do with yourself. Anything at all. Because more likely than not, anything that you’ve “sacrificed” has been to make yourself feel better about yourself… maybe something like “oh I’m such a great person doing this self-sacrificial shit”. But in that thought, unfortunately, it’s not self-sacrificial at all because you’re gaining something from it. More so than for the person you’re “sacrificing” for. So that nullifies it doesn’t it.

Remember how I told you I can’t depend on anyone to have my back and that the only person who has my back is myself? Yeah thanks for reinforcing that for me.

It’s funny how you accuse me of all these things. I thought you’d know me by now. But then again have you noticed how you like to make up stories about me and tell them to people. Things like how we always practice bellydancing when you’re the one who does it and I’ve only onced asked you to show me. Things like how I’ve a tattoo somewhere. You always like to speak on my behalf… paint pictures of me. It was funny, it made me laugh. It didn’t matter cos I thought we were just joking. I thought you knew the real me. But it looks like all you know is the pictures you’ve painted of me.

I know that I’m a great friend. A fantastically loyal friend in fact. I bite the bullet when I know it’ll save the friendship. I sacrifice my feelings for the friendship. And if I have a problem with you, when I’ve sorted my feelings out, I talk to you alone.

Can you honestly say you’re any of that? I really don’t think so. Let’s summarise you. It’s really easy. It’s you, you, you, and then maybe someone else if that someone else can be your backup dancer.

I don’t mind not being in the spotlight. I’m more comfortable being in the background. I’m shy, reserved… really more comfortable being in the background. Sometimes in the spotlight, fine when it’s shared. You know you really make me miss my friends at home. Often I’m not the one in the spotlight. But they don’t make me feel like I’m their fucking backup dancer. That’s not a friendship. You want a backup dancer hire one. When you’re ready for a true friend, come look for me.

When I asked you if we were both ok, I really wish we were. But I couldn’t sleep. And then when I woke up I felt so sick about it I couldn’t get out of bed. And when I did, I couldn’t get out of my room.

You have a glib tongue. The gift of the gab. I have my sincerity. Attack me while I’m drunk and unprepared and you’ve got me at my weakest. You pierce me at my softest and I know all I can do is offer the truth that will repair YOUR hurting wall. But it won’t repair mine. Because as I try to repair mine, it’s gonna sting yours. And you won’t help me to repair it because all you’ll see is an attack on yours. Sometimes it’s not about attacking you at all you know. Can you even understand that? I’ll always have your back. But will you be able to have mine this time? I’m typing this at 630am because if I don’t get these words down I might just explode. Even though I’m typing this out to try to sort my feelings out… I can’t even get everything I’m feeling out right now. This is not easy. Why do I feel that even in a letter that’s meant to be about me this time, that I have to put in softening words because I’m afraid you’ll treat this purely as an attack? I feel like an idiot for letting you see how much you’d hurt me. For letting you see me cry. For letting me feel like I’d not learnt my lesson that no one has my back but myself. For carrying this hurt and feeling of injustice in me for a whole day and feeling like I can only write it down for it all to get heard. I know that you’ll use these words however you want to. But I wonder if this time you’ll use them to help me repair my wall . Because hey, this time, THIS is MY spotlight. This is MY hurt. MY injustice. And MY wall crying to be repaired. You wanted assurance that night. I want mine now. And I guess we’ll see how long it takes for me to get the guts to deliver this flaming pile of shit to you. Will we be able to turn it into nutrients for a strong healthy plant? Hey you know what? That’s your job now. I’m sick of being the one to try to sort things out. Just so you know, I’ve noticed how I lost your trust after your concussion. It’d been fucking stabbing me in the heart but I understood and I’ve been dealing with it myself. I’ll explain it further. It’s exactly like losing a friend, cept there’s a ghost that keeps reminding you of your lost friendship right there. Since this is about everything that’s my feelings. Well here, thought I should let you know cos right here and right now, I’m at my boiling point. You know I’ve got your back. Always had, always will. I’m tired of beating around the bush and trying to slowly, tenderly build it up. I wanna know, have you got mine?

Or am I just wasting my time?